Thankful For the Tough Times

 This year has been challenging, and it has been challenging for so many.  Some have faced a virus that has taken lives.  Others have been hit so hard by financial difficulties that they are losing or on the verge of losing all they spent years working to build.

My family faced Covid as one after the other were exposed.  The range of severity went from children with no symptoms to ER visits and weeks of recovery.  We were fortunate because there hasn’t been loss of life in our immediate family to this point.  

And yet, I still feel that the extreme measures to contain the virus are a violation of basic rights and civil liberties.  After all, if I can go to Walmart with a mask and see the workers not even wearing them correctly, touch items touched by a hundred others, and stand in a thirty minute line because the store only has one cashier open, I think I can go to church. 

We have kept up with school even in the midst of quarantine and Covid exposure and illness because my daughter was one of the lucky ones that never experienced a symptom...  despite sharing a room with an older sister that got very ill and taking care of me during my most challenging days with this illness.  My thirteen year old is independent in most of her work.  I like to be heavily involved in some subjects, but there is a difference between “needing” me and “benefitting” from working together. 

Our finances have been equally challenged this year.  We have had steady income, but it has been significantly reduced.  I read that up to one-third of all Americans are facing eviction or foreclosure.  We are not in that category, so I consider us blessed. 

But it has changed some things in our home and education.  I had to rework school when the budget became much more strict and I couldn’t afford to purchase what I thought we needed.  The lines between want and need became much less blurred.

There was a saying that developed during The Great Depression that said, “Use it Up, Wear it Out, Make it do, Or do without!” This is our family right now.  The expensive, full-color notebooking pages can be replaced with cheaper, black and white print-outs. We don’t need the best materials to get a quality, God-filled education.  In fact, it might just contribute to creativity.  

This isn’t the first time that I have had to evaluate what we are using and set priorities.  When I had several students in my homeschool, similar choices had to be made.  Over the years I had gotten comfortable with spending more.  I had become complacent in our finances. Now I know that I wasn’t careful and it has caught up to me. 

I steered away from a lot of consumable items in our homeschool, though we do have some.  Those consumable items have now become a point of stress when the funds aren’t there to purchase the next level.  The money to buy them at this time just isn’t there. And, after months and months of cut income, I don’t feel guilty about this.  The reality for millions of Americans is much more dire, so I am thankful for what we have.

I have a library card, those non-consumable materials, and internet connection.  Restructuring our school is not what I anticipated when I could confidently purchase needed items without a blink.  And yet, restructuring is what needed to happen.  Ironically, my daughter likes the simpler materials better.

I have learned that I had stopped being a good steward of what God has given us.  I am thankful for that lesson.  Being sick and having our finances significantly impacted has been tough, but it reminded  me of the lessons that I once knew, but forgot in health and prosperity.  God’s lessons are not just for a season, but a lifelong plan.  It is in the healthy and prosperous times that we are store up for the other times.

This Thanksgiving looks different than previous years.  We aren’t getting together with extended family.  Our counties have been hit hard by Covid and those that haven’t been exposed don’t want to risk illness.  I don’t blame them.  I still get to gather with my children and grandchildren.  I still get to enjoy my family, even if it is a bit less than normal.  I will count my blessings, not focus on the trials. 

Most see 2020 as the worst year.  I agree it has been tough.  I pray it might be looked at not as the worst year, but the year in which God taught the best, most life-changing lessons.  I pray that we see what we took for granted in the past: gathering together with family, income we could count on, health, going to church, hanging out with friends, running our businesses.  I pray that we learn that those things are blessings from God that we should cherish and never, ever, ever take them for granted again. 

Count your blessings.  

A Literate Nation

I made a goal to read 60 books in 2017.  Unfortunately, life and college classes was busier than I anticipated.  I was able to read 52 books.  I included my books for my college classes in this list because I read them, and studied them, and answered questions over them, and took tests on the material.  They totally count.

Studying library science, I have been thinking a lot about reading.  I love to read.  I have loved reading since I was in second grade.  In first grade, I was in the slow reading group.  Over a school break, while staying at my Grandma's, I started reading her collection of Little Golden Books.  From that moment, it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I was absorbed in the world of books.

Reading is something that I wish everyone loved.  I have members of my family that don't love to read.  I have friends that don't love to read.  In fact, more people aren't big "readers" than are.  And when I see the statistics, I am saddened.

When I see the list of the most literate countries, I am shown that this is not true of all countries.

1 Finland
2 Norway
3 Iceland
4 Denmark
5 Sweden
6 Switzerland
7 US
8 Germany 

9 Latvia
10 Netherlands

Research shows "The presence of books in the home has a greater influence on a child's level of education than does the parents' income, nationality, or level of education. A 20-year study shows how investing in books can make a big difference."

"Having books in the home is twice as important as the father's education level, and more important than whether a child was reared in China or the United States." 

What do the top countries do differently than America?  The United States makes the list at number seven, but we aren't in the top by libraries, newspapers, or computers in each household.  

The difference is in how books and childhood are presented to the students.  Take, for instance, the tradition of Jolabokaflod in Iceland.  The word translates to "book flood."  Books are exchanged as Christmas Eve presents, then the rest of the night is spent reading and eating chocolate (a wonderful dream for me).  Iceland publishes more books per capita than any other country.  Books are important.  

Literate countries value books.  They provide access to books, lots of books, and information.  It's an attitude that, as the statistics about reading show, isn't pervasive in our society.  "I don't like to read."  "I don't have time."  "I would rather watch TV."   I hear this often, and wonder why it is that books are looked at as almost an enemy, something to be almost mocked by a culture held captive by passive, easy entertainment.

But there is something more.  

America has libraries.  We have schools.  We have newspapers.  We have computers.  But, we lack some things.  We lack equal access to these resources.  The poorest among us still don't have access to all these items.  The best we can offer is the local library.  The local library is a wondrous institution that provides the least among us access to these resources.  However, if books in the home help contribute to academic success, we are failing our poorest children.

Something else is off, however.  Americans used to believe strongly in literacy, so that equal access to the Bible was had by all.  The educational resources of our pioneering days was very grounded in the Bible.  Just read some of the original McGuffey Readers, which were used to teach literacy in students for years and years.  Somewhere along the way, the motivation changed.  

The goal changed from having access and ability to understand God's Word to educational achievement.  Slowly, over the years, as God was left out, the reason for reading became more and more about achievement.  Achievement seems a noble cause, but it is one that leaves many in the cold.  In the quest for achievement, education was begun at younger and younger ages.  Many were left out.  Access for the poorest was limited.  Those that struggled academically were left out, and the number of learning disabilities increased as the beginning ages for compulsory school was lowered repeatedly and passive entertainment began to grow in popularity.  Eventually, the attitude toward reading changed because the motivator was about achievement, not enlightenment.  When the motivation changed, so did the number of people that felt it was important. 

There will always be many that are competitive and are drawn to achievement's quest for more, faster and younger.  And there will be those that, if it feels like a competition, have no desire to be a part.  Over time, the joy of reading diminishes.  This seems to be a problem all over the world.  According to the National Library of New Zealand, "Reading for enjoyment tends to decrease with age. And, children from lower socioeconomic groups do it less than children from higher socioeconomic groups."

This takes a toll on academics in a child's life.  According to the Annie E. Casey Foundation, "In the USA, an alarming 65 percent of fourth graders in public school were reading below the proficient level in 2015." 

What happens to cause children to despise reading?  My theory is that reading is made to be a hard thing.  It's a subject.  Kids are categorized, literally grouped, by how quickly they learn to read.  While there are some children that naturally pick up on reading at four, most don't.  We (meaning American society and our education system) push too early.  We push letters and sight words.  We even push phonics too early.  We make children feel as if something is wrong with them if they aren't reading by age six, seven at the latest.  Surely the child must have a learning disability if they haven't broken the reading code by that age.  Brain researchers have proven that boys often develop different systems more slowly than girls, making reading at early ages more difficult.  The problem is actually exacerbated by being forced to sit in a classroom at earlier ages, not being able to run and move and play like they always did in the past. A child that learns to read at age eight or nine would be labeled as learning disabled in a school setting, but often they catch up quickly to the child that was reading at four or five.  However, if they aren't made to feel learning disabled, they will know that their intelligence isn't lower, their brain simply matured at a different pace.

I have seen this often with my children.  One daughter struggled in math for a long time.  I would get frustrated and feel like I was failing her because, no matter how many times we reviewed the multiplication table, she couldn't retain.  Then, one day, a light clicked.  I had stopped pushing and backed up.  We focused on other areas, such as addition, subtraction, fractions, etc.  When we went back to multiplication, suddenly, she remembered them. She then quickly advanced, catching up to her peers in months.

The same goes for reading.  My children have, for the most part, been natural readers... except one.  One daughter struggled to learn to read.  She was in public school, and was given an IEP.  If I had known then what I know now about children's brains and learning, I would have perhaps been able to help her more effectively.  I feel that the public school system made things so much worse for her.  She grew to hate reading.  First, the focus was on sight words. Her ADHD brain developed at a slower pace, and memorizing the large quantity of sight words was not working for her.  I spent six weeks over the summer teaching her phonics, and she advanced three reading levels, but the school still insisted she had to be held back.  I wish she would have had the opportunity to learn at a slower pace, repeating materials that were more simple for her, until her brain developed more fully.  I wish the focus had been on reading to her, giving her a love of books and story, and letting her roam and play and be active more.  But, alas, she wasn't my biological daughter.  I didn't know then what I have learned in the years since.  And, while I was able to assign a lot of reading in her later years when I was able to homeschool her, by then it was too late.  She is not a reader now. 

How many times are similar things happening to students all over the country?  A niece of mine was enduring a similar situation in Kindergarten a few years back.  KINDERGARTEN!!  Luckily, that child was pulled and homeschooled and is a successful reader now.   Most children are not given that opportunity in this "push them as fast as possible" culture.  All that pushing hasn't benefited our children.  We still are nowhere near the top of the list academically in the world.

A few of the countries that are at the top of the list, such as Finland, do things differently.  They push playtime and recess.  They don't start the children in formal schooling until age seven.  Any schooling that happens at younger ages has a focus of play and exploration.  And when children do have learning difficulties in school, they receive one-on-one attention from experts.  It is truly a "no child left behind."  And the best news is that standardized testing is minimal.  The schools trust the teachers, because the teachers are highly trained, with Master's Degrees, and work in small classrooms with these children. 

I find it interesting that a few of the top countries that score well academically also score in the top spots for literacy.  The connection can't be missed.  There are countries, such as Japan, that score well academically, but aren't in the top spot for literacy.  For the most part, however, literacy is a foundational factor in doing well academically for most of these countries, and many of them don't even teach children to read until they would be in what is the equivalent to late first or second grade here in America.

Perhaps our pushing children to learn earlier and faster is backfiring and making the problem much worse.  Perhaps "academic achievement" needs to be redefined, especially in the early years.  Perhaps our motivation needs to change, giving that special time of childhood some respect.  Perhaps we need to let brains mature naturally, instead of labeling children too early and damaging them for life.  Perhaps we need to fill young children's days with activity, outside time, and adventures... ones that they physically have and ones we read to them daily.  Perhaps we should stop pitting young children against each other, comparing them to each other, to see who can learn the fastest, in something that is a product of biology and brain maturation, and is out of their control.

Of course, despite the voices of many researchers stating these same things, changing a system that feeds egos and classifies people into groups is a battle that is tough to fight.  I can only attempt to give my children the best I can at home, with lots of living books and time to learn at their own pace.  I can only model for my children what a life full of great books looks like.  I can't make them read. 


Books will be present in my home.  I will make trips to the library often.  I will encourage reading to all, because I feel it is simply vital.  To me, literacy and academics are linked as one thing.  Without literacy, academics hold little meaning.  Literacy allows me to learn whatever I wish to learn.  The world is open to a reader.  From the world of great minds to the world of the Bible, literacy provides the key to unlock great treasures.  Perhaps we simply need to see the world differently to see how important books truly are.

Plan for Quiet

I am an introvert.  I am not shy.  I am not even very quiet.  But I recharge and get my energy from alone time.  This is when I feel like I can escape the pressures of daily life and listen to my favorite thing...  quiet.

I have come to learn that I need time to shut out the world, shut off the noise, and just be.  I need time to pray, to read, to study, to fill up on all the lovely little introvert fills.  Then I have the energy to tackle homeschooling and laundry and dinner and college classes.

This has to be intentional, as I have discovered.  In the rush of life, even when I don’t leave my house because we are homeschooling, I have to take the time to be alone.  I have to drink my coffee and spend a few minutes with God.  I HAVE TO WRITE.  This is central to me keeping sane.  When I don’t write, whether in a journal or a blog, I feel myself reaching a boiling point where I can’t get out what I feel in any logical form.  In fact, I then tend to overreact to anything and everything because I have had no outlet for all that is inside of me. 

I have learned that stress physically makes me ill, and psychologically is detrimental to the point where people don’t like me when I’m stressed.  I become a not nice wife and mommy when I’m stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted.  I need my time to decompress and be alone.  Sometimes it’s five minutes. Sometimes it’s a day.  It’s a fact of life that I can do people for awhile, but then I need to escape.  

Homeschooling is a joy.  I love it.  But I also know that my extroverted youngest daughter can weigh on me.  Her stuff alone can overwhelm me.  We have areas where we click, such as our love of reading, but she is high energy  and ADHD, and I often feel overwhelmed trying to keep up with her.  So, taking breaks is not a bad thing.  If I want to be a good mommy to her. I have to have times where she goes to play and I can not be consumed with her messy room or constant noise. 

My older daughter that is still home is an introvert also.  She is happy to finish her school, check off her to-do list, and plug in her headphones.  She may not be the book-lover that I am, but she has her “things” where she cocoons herself in her own world.  This, I understand.  Most of the time I let her have her space.  

The magic of homeschooling is that my children can be who they are.  My personality is unique. I live in my head, where I can play stories in my head like a movie.  I crave alone time so that I can explore the world through books and various media. Homeschooling led me to learning about how children lean and how the brain works, which led me to learning about personality, which led to me learning about my children and myself. This, in turn, has benefitted my homeschool and our home.

And so, on this dark December evening, waiting for children to come home from their day away, candles lit on the entertainment center and dinner in the crock pot, I absorb as much quiet as I can.  I let it surround me and sink into my soul.  The time is short and soon the quiet will be disrupted once again.  I will be able to enjoy the noise a bit and cherish the moments with my children because I was able to have some quiet. Like a gift, the quiet and time alone helps me to find calm and feel rest and peace after a season of busy and stress. 

If there is one resolution I would make for the New Year, it would be to plan for more quiet. 

A Homeschool Mom Once Again

When I began college a year ago, I could never have anticipated the time commitment that even online classes would demand.  My first semester was challenging, but most of my classes were fairly manageable.  Then this semester came, and life threw up some challenges, and I struggled like I never have.

The stress level was unbearable.  Yes, there was unforeseen circumstances that arose, such as a daughter in the ICU twice.  But that wasn’t the core problem.  It added a bit to a stressful time, but I melted down on the second day of classes.  Each day since has been a challenge, comparable to trying to swim with an anchor tied to my feet.  I just felt like I was drowning all the time.

The more stressed I became, it seemed that my youngest ADHD daughter became more unfocused, more symptomatic.  In fact, of all the homeschooling years, this one with her has been the worst.  My patience would wear thin and my frustration and stress levels would rise, and she would slowly deteriorate even more.  I would cut her courseload, but it often made no difference. What should be a couple hours of work would stretch on and on.  The joy was gone.  She hated it all.  She is a big bookworm, but was sick of reading.  She procrastinated and got distracted and lost any joy.

I knew I had stopped the things that added to our days.  Reading aloud stopped because I didn’t have time and she wasn’t getting anything done.  We stopped projects because they took too much supervision.  That meant most of the art I had wanted to include stopped.  School was a duty and a drudgery for me, as it was all about getting stuff done.  I wasn’t enjoying myself.  It was a drudgery for my ten year old, and she has begun to hate it.

Then the panic attacks began.  Now, our family is going through some stuff right now.  The stress from those things takes a toll.  But the added stress of trying to do it all got to me.  At one point this past semester, I was barely sleeping and the few times I would sleep, I would wake up with my heart racing and my chest broke out in hives. I spent at least three weeks with my chest feeling like it was being squeezed in a vise.  I struggled to breathe.  I cried all the time.

A couple weeks ago, as I was going through old blog posts, I realized that I miss being a homeschool mom.  Am I still a homeschool mom?  Yes, but I am a disconnected one.  

Homeschooling is not just about presenting information and skills to a child.  Homeschooling is about relationships.  Homeschooling is about building up the strengths and gifts in each child so they can be the person God made them to be.  Homeschooling is about giving my children and myself a foundation that is missing in this world.  Homeschooling is about sharing with each other...  books, ideas, conversations, time, God.  All of that has been missing for months.

I will still be a college student.  For now, I will be a part-time student.  It will still require I balance my time.  But, I will get to step up and be a homeschool mom again.  Instead of forty hours a week or more focused on school, I get to cut that in half.  Maybe my ten year old can have read aloud time with Mom again.  

I asked myself why I was pushing so hard.  Truthfully, it was because I am an overachiever, as my daughter calls me.  But also, it is because I will lose a large chunk of financial aid by dropping to part-time.  This saddens me because there are many that would love the opportunity to go to college, but have other responsibilities and can’t go full-time.  They are punished for having jobs and being parents and having elderly parents to care for.  They are punished for not being a single, young man or woman with very few other responsibilities.  

Perhaps the idea is to have these students take out student loans.  Perhaps the goal is to limit those that aren’t serious about getting a college degree.  But the reality is that money is a factor, and it has been a major part of the struggle in this decision.  

But as I think about next semester, and the thought of repeating this past semester, my chest tightens and I feel the panic setting in.  I know that God will have to make a way, because I can’t keep going at this pace right now in my life.  

I breathe easier, knowing that life can slow down a bit and I can be a homeschool mom once again. 

Dual Blogs

Since May of this year I have been posting over at Unconventional Catherine.  I wanted a new beginning, as life has changed so much over the last few years.  I wanted to blog about other issues than homeschooling and my children.  I wanted to blog about matters of faith and culture.  So, I began posting there and enjoyed the new format.

However, I still love homeschooling.  I still love documenting our journey.  I was posting more and more about homeschooling on Unconventional Catherine.  Then I began to look back over this humble little homeschool blog.  I was researching what I had done with one daughter for a blog post about the upcoming year.  I went though all the blog posts from that school year, and I relived the events of that year.  I saw how I struggled with one of my daughter's leaving.  I saw the fun activities we had done and how I got through that year.  I was reminded how much I love homeschooling and how it sustained me during the tough times.

 My Mission Field is still my home, even though many of my children have grown and I am taking college classes.  I still want to write about the education I am giving the children still left at home.  I still believe homeschooling is important and God led me in this direction.  In fact, taking college classes has been my dream for years, but I have not felt like myself because I haven't been able to dedicate myself to homeschooling.  That may be because a call from God on my life doesn't just disappear.

Circumstances in life have made it so that I must lower my class load to part-time for a bit.  I was a bit sad about this for a few days, but now I feel relief.  In fact, I keep telling myself to get through the next three weeks in my college semester. My stress level has been high, and I realize that I miss blogging about homeschooling.  I miss homeschooling in the manner in which I have done for the last decade.  I miss reading to my child and going through the work to see how my high school student is doing in her studies.  I have felt that my time was no longer my own.  I wanted to go to college, to follow my dreams, but everything got complicated over this last semester.

I gave myself a new challenge when I began blogging about faith and culture.  I love writing.  I love taking a topic and breaking it down and exploring it from a position that is not necessarily the standard one.  That is why I called the blog Unconventional Catherine, because I am not very "conventional" by today's cultural standards.  I take my faith seriously at a time when Christianity is mocked and ridiculed.  I homeschool, and while homeschooling is a growing movement, it is still only a small percent of the population.  I'm a bookworm, when television and movies are the norm.  I'm more introverted when extroversion is what gets noticed.  I went back to college when most women are settled.

However, I miss my blog home here.  I miss being home.  I have had this blog since October 9, 2008.  I started blogging when I started homeschooling.  And while I have gone down some crazy paths, I have always stuck to blogging.  This blog contains a history of our family.  It contains times of difficulty that I thought would never end, such as when we faced unemployment, the ups and downs of our children's health issues, and gaining custody of my step-daughter and homeschooling her.  It contains the story of leaving our home because it was full of mold, and moving to a small apartment.  It contains our journey to simplicity and minimalism... a journey that continues to this day.

So, I have decided to keep both blogs.  Some posts will be on one or the other.  Some posts will be on both.  Mostly, this blog will be about homeschooling because that is where the Lord has us. I will continue to post about our family, living on one income, and my faith.  However, I will also post about my faith and other issues on Unconventional Catherine.  I don't want to be redundant, but I feel at this time that two blogs best suit the differing aspects of my life and writing. 

Feel free to follow either blog.  My heart is here, at Home Mission Field, but my adventurous spirit wants to try new ways to branch out.

Sixth Grade Homeschooling (a flashback)

Laura in Sixth Grade

I've had children in public school and homeschool.  Next year my youngest will be in the sixth grade.  Never having been in a traditional school, I sometimes look at the things she is working on and compare her to how things were with her older siblings.

Sixth grade in our area is almost always a nightmare for public-schooled students.  My older ones all experienced the woes of sixth grade.  They were switching classes.  They had hours of homework nearly every night.  The difficulty level amped-up, and it seemed as if there were a few meltdowns.  Maybe this doesn't happen to all children, but it did with every single one of mine... except my homeschooler.

Making a Gragger

When Laura hit sixth grade, the difficulty level of her school went up a bit.  However, all of our work is homework.  I went through blog posts from that time to read about how our school year progressed then.  That year was a challenging year in many ways, but our homeschooling that year brought some great memories.  We painted our poetry and created whole worlds under the coffee table during read aloud time.  We learned about money and made wampum beads, read classics like Heidi, and made Jewish graggers and hamentashen cookies when we studied Purim. We took a couple amazing field trips and kept some traditions alive.  My memories of that year, looking back, are ones of joy.

My daughter learned a lot.  At that time we began working through levels of work with her, and she simply tacked each day's work.  It wasn't about piling on the work or stressing out a child.  My memories of that time were tough, as we had a lot going on in our personal lives.  However, we did manage to keep school going, and even thrive.

Learning about Camouflage

I don't want my youngest daughter to be overwhelmed by her schooling.   I don't want her to feel like school is a drag.  I have had a couple of conversations with other parents, and so many of them feel that the sixth grade pile-up of work is unnecessary.  Or, they feel that their child wasn't prepared for the sixth grade work level because their younger years hadn't been as challenging.  And despite all the research stating that homework is counterproductive, I still heard the arguments that, without it, children won't be able to tackle the workload in college.

painting her poetry

reading

And, many children aren't prepared for college.  However, homeschooled children tend to do better in college that their public-schooled peers, despite the uptick in workload that many may not have had in high school.  Perhaps it is because they are used to tackling the work load before them independently.

In any case, rereading the blog posts about that year was entertaining.  It was five years ago, and I am about to embark on the same curriculum with my youngest that I used with my daughter then.  In one post I wrote:

"This school year went by very quickly.  Laura became very independent.  In fact, I miss her.  I don't feel that I got to be a part of her education the way I did when she was younger.  Independence is a good thing, but I still want to be a bit more involved." 

 I find that very interesting, because Laura is completely independent now.  One day I am certain that Megan will also be just as independent in her studies.  It was at about this age when Laura took off in her independence.  And yet, as she grew in independence, she was not spending hours each night completing hours of homework.  She was mastering the level that was in front of her, slowly and methodically.  

Sixth grade for homeschooling does not look like public school.  For that I am grateful!

Have We Lost Our Reading Culture?

Nearly everywhere I go, I take a book.  In fact, I choose my purses based on if they are big enough to fit a book or my Kindle inside.  Reading has been an escape, a comfort, and a passion since I was a child.

As a homeschooling family, reading is what we do.  We read a lot.  My step-daughter never loved reading.  When she began homeschooling after years and years of public school, I think she was surprised at all the books she was assigned.  Before she graduated, she read more than she ever had.  

Lately, I have noticed that I don’t read as much as I have in the past.  Yes, I am reading for college, but I also noticed that my go to is not picking up the book.  I am usually simply scrolling away on social media.  This is a bad habit that is pointless most of the time.  It’s amazing how often I’ll grab my phone and click the Facebook or Instagram button before I even engage my brain.  Habits form easily, especially addicting ones.

If I’m not mindlessly scrolling, I’m mindlessly vegging in front of a television.  After working for hours on college courses, I tend to turn on a favorite TV show and passively pass the hours engaged in a crime drama.  Sadly, I have seen most of the shows numerous times and am binging on reruns on Netflix. 

I’m not alone in any of this. The average American watches five hours of television per day!  If we combine television viewing, gaming, smart phones, tablets, computers, and any other screens, the average American devotes ten hours and thirty-nine minutes to screen time every day!

It stands to reason that we aren’t reading because we are distracted by entertainment.

What else are we not doing when we are drowning in our screens?  Are we spending time with our loved ones?  Are we spending time with God?  It stands to reason that devoting ten hours a day to anything is going to have consequences.  Maybe our relationships are suffering because we are otherwise absorbed in our screens instead of being together.  Maybe we have become Biblically illiterate because we buy Bibles, and place them on our shelves.  We aren’t reading them. 

Why is it that twenty-one percent of U.S. adults read below a fifth grade level?  My ten year old is in the fifth grade.  This statistic means that 21% of the adults around me are reading at the level of my ten year old...  or worse, because she is an advanced reader.

I love the podcast, Read Aloud Revival.  Sarah MacKenzie, the host and author of the blog by the same name, has breathed fresh air into the importance of reading to our children.  Recently she hosted a podcast discussing tips and ideas for moms to find time to read for themselves.  There were plenty of reasons why this is important, but the number one reason was that, when a child sees parents reading for enjoyment, they will likely follow suit. 

If the average American is glued to a screen for over ten hours a day, chances are we aren’t modeling anything except our addiction to screens.  We certainly aren’t reading to our children like we could or should.  And we aren’t growing the active parts of our own brains by vegging in front of the Boob Tube or mindlessly scrolling through the same ole Facebook battles and food posts. 

I won’t even get into what this sedentary life does to our health.

And so, when countries are listed in order of how much they read, and we see that the United States is way down the list at number 23, the fight over how to improve the school systems seems self-explanatory.  There is nothing better we could do for our children than to read to them and make reading a priority for our children.  The list of benefits is remarkable!  

“I don’t like to read.”

Ah...  I have heard that often.  And I understand that reading isn’t everyone’s favorite activity.  This has come about because the purpose behind reading has changed.  Two hundred years ago, learning to read was important.  And not just learning to read, but being literate and informed.  Learning to read meant that you could study the Bible.  Learning to read meant you could learn anything you desired to learn.  Reading was important.  It was how people stayed informed of the news in the world.  There wasn’t a television with thousands of channels to tell you what was happening (or to sensationalize for ratings).  There were books and newspapers. 

Somehow, reading has been relegated to a hobby, instead of a way to grow the brain and learn about the world, we simply turn on the screen and have those that profit most from those screens tell us what to think.  Then we wonder why the world is in the condition it is, and how to stop the chaos. 

Reading promotes multiculturalism.  Those that read are more empathetic.  Reading increases attention.  

I wish our culture was a reading culture, but I can’t change an entire culture.  I can only influence the world around me. I can read to my daughter.  I can make it my habit to grab a book instead of my smart phone.  I can supply my home with a wide array of books and plenty of trips to the library.  I can encourage my other children in their reading and have them read engaging and God-honoring books and materials for school.  

I can promote reading to others.  I can share the works of Sarah MacKenzie and Jim Trelease and others that are telling the benefits of this amazing reading culture that our families can have.  I can continue that work by training to work in a library, as I am doing now.  This way, when my homeschooling days are complete, I am still working to promote this wonderful passion: reading.

Dear Jesus...

Dear Jesus,

Lord, could you bless that girl above?  Could you heal her?  I know, I know, I have asked many times.  Seems we've been in this place in the past.  I know that, if I waited until I was perfect or she was perfect before asking, I would never ask.  But You are perfect. You alone, and Your thoughts are higher and Your plans are good.  So, when the hard happens... again...  when life doesn't make sense...  again...  when a young woman is sick and has been sick for so long and it's a battle every day to keep going, we need You.  We need Your good.  We need Your peace.  We need Your hope.

I have pleaded for answers for a long time.  Answers were supposed to come after one of the myriad of tests ran in the last year.  Answers were supposed to come with relief and praise report, not another battle and more questions.

I would so take her place.  I always would have.  I keep telling myself that I won't drive myself crazy asking why.  But there are weak moments when I do.  Why do I have children that face life-threatening issues?  Why my family?  Why my daughter, so ill, with tubes and monitors and pain and fear?  So, the "whys" circle in my brain and I push them down. I cast them aside, and they come back.  I turn on praise and worship music that calls you the anchor in the "eye of the storm", the "King of the World", "my God through all of it."  

What I feel the most, as uncertainty and frustration flow through me, is how broken I am, how weak, how utterly helpless to help my child, and how desperate.  Can the weak be used?

"Now I'm just a beggar in the presence of a King.  

I wish I could bring so much more.
But if it's true You use broken things
Then here I am Lord, I'm all Yours."

But I am so flawed. I think thoughts that aren't fair to others.  Such as...  Do other parents know how blessed they are?  Do they see their children, their healthy children, and know how precarious that health can be?  One diagnosis, one doctor that wasn't properly trained, one "rare complication;" and it can all change.  Lord, forgive me for seeing other parents with healthy children, hearing them complain over the trivial, and being frustrated with them... and perhaps envying them a little.

I so love my children.  I don't know why You chose my girls to face what they face. I can't see the final tapestry, only the tangles and knots on the back. I can't make sense out of what seems senseless, especially since it probably won't be made clear while we are here on this earth.  I'm just a mom, begging once again for her child to be made whole.  

Each time I beg, I step with You.  More than once I have begged for them to live, sitting on the side of a hospital bed, a bleak diagnosis from a doctor ringing in my ears.  Every time you have given me my child.  And despite feeling frustrated with parents who don't realize they are so blessed, I also wouldn't wish any parent to feel that heart-aching, paralyzing fear for their child.

Yes, there are a lot of "I"s in this.  My apologies, Jesus, for I know the focus should be on You. 

See...  I understand the temptation to walk away, to be so crushed with heartache or fear that you feel abandoned.  I understand the anger coursing through the veins at the injustice of it all.  I understand those that question, but haven't had all props removed with only You left to lean on and cling to.  So even as I cry out, begging, weak and small, I have found You in this place before, and believe You will meet me here again. 

I pray for my child, not me. I pray for answers.  I pray for strength.  I pray for healing.  Most of all, I pray because...  is there any hope without You? 

Don't Worry, Keep Juggling

It's a juggling act most days.  I added a couple pins to the routine with college classes, but the motions are the same.  There are just more of them. And, of course, a couple pins are lopsided and don't want to go where I toss them.

The math lab for college is so slow it takes me hours to complete one assignment.  "Be patient," My instructor emailed, as three other classes await my attention.  

My ten year old seems to have less of an attention span than ever in her life.  I spend a long time in the mornings dedicated to working with her, and it still took her until five p.m. today to finish her school work.  Why?  Because she procrastinates.  She works in slow-mode, not wanting to get going in the mornings, stopping often for any reason she can think of, and just not working very diligently.  I'm at a loss about what to do at this point.

But I press on, because God pointed me in this direction, and I know He has it handled.  I know that I may have less free time than a year ago.  I know that the laundry sometimes has to be rewashed because I forgot it overnight in the washer.  I know that my seventeen year old made an awesome chicken salad for dinner while I was fighting with the notorious math   lab.  I know that my ten year old took a long time for school, but she spent a long time making baskets out of clay and enjoying learning about art.

I know that life is hectic right now, but I wouldn't trade this journey for anything.  I know that I get the privilege of spending time in the Bible every morning with my two homeschooling daughters.  I know that I got to read parts of Galatians with my seventeen year old this morning as we delved into the teachings of Paul.  I know that I get to teach my ten year old about Creation as we read through Genesis.  

If nothing else got accomplished or will be remembered, those times with my girls have made homeschooling worth the struggle.  What God does with it is not up to me.  It's up to me to pray and to be obedient to Him.

I have scheduled and done my best.  I have switched things up more than once.  I have felt the frustration as my carefully laid plans seem to backfire.  I have melted down as the pressure to do it all overwhelmed me. I promised myself I wouldn't stress myself out, I wouldn't rush in a panic, and then had to fight those very urges down when things began to fall apart once again.

He is in control.  Not me... for even my best laid plans will never be as vital as what He is trying to teach me. 

His will...  to let go when the day has overwhelmed me and to pick it all up the next day; to pray when those feelings of urgency and frustration began to knot up in my stomach; to trust when I am tired.

I have a class in a few hours.  Tomorrow is another day.  I found some amazing notebooking printables for my daughter's science...  if my printer will work! If not, oh well, I'll let it go for now.  I want that quiet confidence that says, even as life sometimes feels as if it is falling apart, "It will all work out.  Don't worry."

Personalities We Neglect

This week has been busy!  I have helped babysit my grandson during the day.  My evenings are being spent helping at my church's Vacation Bible School. 

We have a lot of different personalities at VBS.  Some of the kids are extroverted and exuberant.  My youngest is this way.  She has no problem dancing and singing to the music, cheering and being loud.  And then there are those that barely speak, the quiet introverts that you hope are having fun, but it's hard to tell.  From the hyped-up dancers to the quietly observing and every level in between, we have children participating. 

As a mom, I have long known that my children are very different people.  They have unique personalities and gifts and talents.  Some are extroverted and are drawn to more extroverted callings.  Others are introverted and are drawn to hobbies that are more singular.  

The problem is that this world celebrates the extroverts very publicly much of the time.  And the introverts must adapt or risk alienation.  It is only in recent years, as more research has been done into personalities, that the "strong, silent" types are not seen as anti-social. 

I was never one that was shy.  My mother says I had no fear and would talk to everyone as a child.  But the older I got, the more introverted I became.  I was content with a book.  I enjoyed writing.  I liked taking pictures.  I was (gasp) someone that liked learning.  I tried team sports, but was better at more singular pursuits, like gymnastics.  

I still am not shy.  I moved around a lot in my life and met many different types of people.  This helped me to ensure, even from a young age, that I learned to greet people.  But I was never the one with a large group of friends or pursuits that brought attention to myself.  Maybe it was because I moved so often that I learned to be okay by myself.  I was the new girl too many times.  The ability to greet people is very different from the natural personality that attracts others.  Every friend I made as a child, I lost.  I never could depend on people to be that support system.  I was never one of the kids that was anyone's "best friend since five."  I didn't make those memories. They weren't available to me. 

Maybe this is why I can homeschool without feeling that my children are "missing out."  For me, most of school was a painful social experiment gone wrong.  I never had the money or the looks or the personality to fit into that mold.  I was the outcast.  I had very rich experiences, traveling and meeting different people, and they didn't often occur at the high school football games or at a sleepover with a group of buddies.  

Would things have been different if I had a different personality?  It's something that really doesn't matter because the personality I have is the one God gave me. As a mother, I see the different personalities in my five daughters, and each one is special and valuable. 

I have daughters that are natural extroverts, that love performing and music and theater, comfortable in front of a crowd, natural leaders.  I am so proud of them because they are go-getters, working with the gifts God has given them.

A couple of my girls are a bit of a mix, fine with some extrovert tendencies, but recharging in alone time.  This is something that makes it difficult to "classify" people as one way. Not everyone is one or the other, but a bit of a mixture of multiple personality traits.  It's like a spectrum, and people will land all over the chart.

Then there are the ones with more quiet personalities.  They are more reserved, at least in public situations. Quirky, fun, generous...  they don't necessarily care for the spotlight. But...  they still want to be approved.  They still want to know they are just as valuable as their extroverted counterparts.

It is very easy to give attention, and even approval, to the extroverts.  They often are drawn to hobbies that bring attention.  It isn't so easy with those that are more self-contained, that recharge in alone time, that love their singular pursuits. 

I want to find ways to celebrate all the gifts my children  have, whether they are singing on the worship team or writing incredible poems, acting in a play or reading in the corner.  I have a couple very introverted children.  Do they know I am proud of them?  I was supportive of my youngest daughter's play performances the last few years.  I think she is an extremely talented singer, even at ten.  Does the daughter that draws beautiful pictures think that her interests are not as important because it doesn't happen on a stage?  Do the daughters that work with special needs clients know that I feel they are just as wonderful as the daughter that leads worship at her church?

I hope so.

But the truth is that it can be easy to overlook the ones that are more behind the scenes.  For example, I love taking pictures. I don't do it to be some great photographer.  I just love capturing moments, and I've often done so with a cheap camera.  At fifteen, I received a camera for Christmas, and proceeded to take thousands and thousands of pictures.  My children, family holidays, everyday moments, travels...  it didn't matter.  I spent thousands on film.  Then I was given a digital camera and could take even more photos!  I love the candid moments, the real parts of life, more than the posed. But I have never been able to afford professional equipment.  What I have has often been gifted to me.  I simply love recording my life, my children, my journey.  I don't have a watermark on my photos.  I don't charge.  I don't have anything against professional photographers, and love their work.  But my fun is in recording my journey. It may be photos of flowers I see on my walks, or photos of my handsome grandson, but I keep taking the pictures, capturing the moments.  I have been teased for taking so many pictures, but I have also been thanked.  When I am not here, these photos are the story of my life and the lives of those I love. They may be out of focus occasionally.  They may be too dark.  They may show the mess...  the messy house in the day to day, the bed-head hair of Christmas morning.  It is something that I do that has never been about what others think or getting attention.  

Every hobby doesn't have to become a career.  Every love doesn't have to bring attention.  That is not what motivates an introvert.  The process is the motivator, the experience, the journey.  It's okay if others have different motivations.  That is the beauty of different personalities.  It becomes important, as a mother, however, to recognize these differences and to celebrate each child for who God made them to be, not simply for their more outgoing, easy to praise gifts. 

Many in this world don't understand basic personality differences.  Introversion, extroversion, intuitive, empathetic, judging, sensitive...  the great variety is what  makes this world a beautiful AND NOT A BORING place.  For parents, not understanding personality differences can bring about insecurities and low self-esteem in the children that may not be ones that seek attention.  Does your reader know he is just as approved of as your athlete?  Does your artist know she is just as talented as your actor?  Does your child, no matter what their personality, know their worth?

We know, in our heads, that our children are created unique and given different giftings.  We know that it is, in fact, very important for there to be differences in what people love and pursue.  And yet, I have been guilty of not taking the time to build up.  I have not praised nearly as much as I have criticized.  I have not encouraged equally.  It shames me, because I know the feelings of being the awkward one, the one that doesn't fit, the one that would rather read.  I know the feeling of being overshadowed because my personality is different.  I know the feeling of loving something, but someone else is better, more talented, more noticed.  It leaves an empty pit in your heart, because suddenly what you love is something to be measured against someone else, and you come up lacking. 

I never want a child of mine to feel as if she is not as valued because her personality is more solitary.  Maybe she doesn't get fulfilled by being in front of a crowd, but she should never feel less than because the focus lands on the ones that are naturally wired to seek the limelight, that recharge in a group. It takes intentionality on the part of the parent to speak life to the ones that won't ask for the attention.  It doesn't mean they don't need the encouragement and validation just as much from those they love, it simply means they are uncomfortable asking because it isn't their personality!  

I know... people can't read minds.  But as a mom, I spend a lot of time with my children.  I know which ones will tell me their hearts, and which ones will subtly show me instead.  I know what each loves, and that each one is so very different from the others.  I know that I have often failed my more introverted children...  and it wasn't intentional.  It wasn't until I realized that it felt like a "competition" in my own life, one I could never win, that I realized I NEVER want to have any child of mine feel that way.  

So many of us repeat patterns in our lives without fully realizing it.  We act on our insecurities.  We often struggle with our children, because their personalities differ from ours, or perhaps because they are similar.  Those of us awkward people take a little longer to be comfortable in our own skin.  It takes us longer to understand our own strengths because, I believe, they aren't always noticed as readily or recognized as often.  And if a person doesn't study and learn about different personalities, they might know that it's okay to be different, but not live confident when others point out their flaws or compare them or constantly cast them aside for the opposite, more extroverted personalities.

 

I am certain there are families out there that don't struggle with speaking life to their children and giving them a solid foundation in which they can be themselves with confidence.    I strive to be one, even now, when three of my children are grown and have moved out.  The need for your parents to love the person you are and to validate you never goes away.  The desire to belong is deeply ingrained.  It is difficult, in this world, when you feel out of place.  Feeling out of place or less than with the ones you love the most leads to comparison, competition, rebellion,  or people-pleasing.  What is beautiful?  Learning to love who God created you to be (gifts, talents, flaws, awkwardness), and learning to intentionally give the same love, acceptance, encouragement, and praise to the precious souls that God places in your life. 

Step-Parenting Can Be Worth It

It's been a long, surreal, beautiful day.  The daughter that I have loved since she was two, the daughter that was born from another, was married today.

 I am the step-mom.  But for us we never looked at step.  This caused problems through the years, and I'm sorry for hurt feelings, but I honestly wouldn't change a thing.  Why?  

The odds were against my husband and me from the start.  We had a 67% chance of divorce.  I had been married before.  He hadn't, but he had been engaged.  Adding to the mix we brought three children between us, and added another within a year. 

There were battles other families didn't have to face.  These weren't even the typical "step" issues.  These were more intense, more terrifying, more critical.  We fought battles for children to stay alive.  We fought battles in courts.  It was never what we wanted, but we endured.  

 

I watched this beautiful blond cherub grow into this amazing young woman, despite all the odds.  So many times, I had to put what was "normal" for what was best.  We had holidays together, even if the holiday had passed or was days away, because we were splitting a schedule.  We made special memories on purpose.  We smiled through the ballgames and  choir concerts, even when we had no inclination to get along with the other parent. But we did it because so much of this wasn't about us. 

I'm not reaping any glory for myself.  We made plenty of mistakes. We let negative feelings take over at times (especially me)!  We were broken by circumstances and broke from expenses.  We watched in fear as things that were out of our control swirled like a hurricane threatening to consume us all.  We prayed for things and didn't see an answer for so many years we just assumed God was saying no.

My mom told me in the midst of a very hard, dark time some advice that stayed with me.  She said, "Children don't stay young.  They grow up... and they remember.  They remember who was on their side.  They remember who made the hard choices.  They remember who was there.  They remember more than most realize."

I remembered that advice.  It helped me through many trials. There were fights that we had to fight, that we couldn't back down from because they were about what was right or what was best for the child.  But so much of what parents see when they are overwhelmed and upset is not the big stuff.  It's petty stuff.  

This seems especially true of step-families.  That child you are fighting with your ex over, he or she will grow up.  Quit fighting over the stuff that doesn't matter!  That doesn't mean you shouldn't ever stand up for yourself, but it does mean that the adults in the situation need to be the adults and put the child first.

Who cares if you have to split holidays?  Yes, it sucks often! My step-daughter did miss some things, even as we tried to include her as much as we could. Extended families can't always rotate schedules around your visits with your kid.  But Thanksgiving and Christmas don't always have to be on the calendar holiday.  We had many Christmases the day before or the day after.  We made our special plans as often as we could for when all the kids could be there.  Birthday parties were when all the kids were at our home.  We made memories.  We enjoyed each other.  It wasn't perfect.  It was hard many times.  But, we did the best we could. 

I helped raise this little girl that has been an integral part of my life for eighteen years, and I couldn't be more proud.  I couldn't love her more if I had given birth to her.  I can't believe we made it this far.  The obstacles were so hard, but with God we made it through them. 

Don't give up.  Just keep pushing forward.  Just keep going. When you screw up... and you will... apologize and keep going forward. It won't be easy.  In fact, it will occasionally feel like you can't make it.  But it will be worth it in the end. 

What an Angry Mom Teaches Her Children

It's an angry world.  The United States is very divided along political and religious lines.  Flooding both sides is anger... and pride.  No one is listening to the other side, instead only listening to others that believe just like them.  Then, it becomes easy to trash the other side and leave a wake of hurt and destruction behind.

I'm not looking to heal all the ills of society.  A couple of years ago I set standards for myself about not contributing to the problem, especially on social media.  But anger exists apart from the divide in this country.  In fact, anger may begin at home. 

For years, anger was a part of me.  It was the chip on the shoulder, the edge that I presented.  It was a part of me, deep inside, that flowed out routinely to damage those around me.  After a period of intense stress, that anger literally made me ill.  It hurt my relationships with loved ones.  It came in between my relationship with God.  It definitely damaged my testimony.

Sometimes in life, there are circumstances and situations that are unjust.  They can cause anger, because that is a normal reaction to injustice.  But, when those situations persist over an extended period of time, anger becomes a defense mechanism to every perceived wrong.  It becomes a habit, especially when it is used to control and manipulate others.

As an angry mom, I was a mess.  I loved my children fiercely, but I was exhausted much of the time.  That alone leads to emotional messes because being tired makes it difficult to be logical.  But the problem went much deeper than exhaustion.  I had been hurt. In that hurt, I lashed out often.  I was overwhelmed, especially when circumstances were out of control and hard and I had too much on my plate.  I went through some things that brought out the worst in me, that left me feeling powerless and defeated and angry at the world.  It is very important that, when you go through tough times, you don't let yourself be damaged.  The tough time will never really go away if you carry the damage forward into other parts of your life, including your parenting.

Anger stems from many sources.  Yes, there is ego and pride.    Anger can also stem from depression and anxiety.  I was depressed, and anger gave me a feeling of control in situations that were out of control.  The flood of adrenaline can be addicting when battling anxiety or depression.  It was created for extreme fight or flight scenarios, but over time it makes a person physically ill.

As an angry mom, I would use anger to manipulate and control.  My children didn't want mom to be mad.  They felt as if they had failed, over and over, because Mom was always angry or upset about something.  One time my oldest daughter told me that, because of my anger over a situation that seemed to never end and took such an emotional toll, that she had lost her mom because of it.  It was a shock to my system because I was just trying to survive at the time.  I felt that I had failed as a parent, that I had let my anger and emotional upheaval over the situation damage the rest of my life. 

There are as many reasons for a mom to be angry as minutes in the day.  Maybe the mom is resentful because she feels as if her children are keeping her from the life she wants.  Maybe she has too much on her plate and is overwhelmed.  Maybe she has chosen to have too much, and the pace has taken a toll.  Maybe life has placed her smack-dab in the middle of a situation that she isn't prepared to handle.  Maybe her priorities are screwed up and she is angry that her wants and dreams are not coming to fruition the way she wanted.  Maybe she has been through a difficult time and needs more support.  Maybe she doesn't hold motherhood as valuable.  Maybe she expects her children to be little adults, instead of children that make mistakes.  Maybe she feels entitled, and is resentful that she isn't getting all she wants.  Maybe she is battling health issues.  Maybe she craves attention and validation, and her children can't give her that.  Maybe she is simply immature.  Maybe she is selfish.

Maybe she feels it is her way or nothing.   This is bully parenting and is different from discipline.  This is about being authoritarian and not authoritative  There is a difference.  Elizabeth J. Short, PhD, associate director of the Schubert Center at Case Western Reserve University, says this, "Authoritative parents set clear expectations and can be hard on their kids. But they do it out of warmness and concern for a child’s betterment, whereas authoritarian parents say, "It’s my way or the highway." Authoritarian parents, Strong says, are "controlling and not warm. An authoritative parent is age-appropriately controlling and also warm."

Greg McKeown states in his book Essentialism, "I can do anything, but not everything."  Being a mother means that life has to be somewhat about family and the children.  That doesn't mean that a mom can't have anything for herself, but it does mean that her life has different priorities and focus.  Dreams that require total dedication might have to be put on hold or be a hobby for awhile.  One thing that children require is time.  If you can't give time to your children, don't become a mommy.  We don't need any more children in the world that feel as if they don't matter.  This doesn't mean making an idol out of our children, or ignoring responsibilities, but it does mean that your journey is no longer just about you.

Life has seasons.  There will be seasons of motherhood, and seasons when the children are grown and you can focus on different dreams.  Embrace motherhood.  If you are angry because you feel your children are taking time from other things, then it is time to grow up.  Life is not just about you.  And you are denying yourself of one of the most fulfilling roles in life because it isn't what you imagined it would be.

Let me say a word about discipline.  There is nothing wrong with disciplining your child.  Children need structure and boundaries and to be taught what is and isn't acceptable.  However, parenting is about balance.  If all that exists in your relationship with your children is discipline, expect a deteriorating situation.  If your children are dealing with discipline from anger, then they will eventually be broken and/or rebellious.  The Bible talks about turning the hearts of fathers to their children, and that means more than just showing them who is boss and punishing every misdeed.  God is a righteous judge, but He sent Jesus to take our punishment.  If we were punished for every mistake and every thing we did wrong, we would not be alive.  Jesus took our punishment and patiently guides us.  There is grace and mercy available to us and there should be for our children as well.  Balance punishment with love and patience and teaching and time and attention and bonding and making memories.   Our anger wants to make parenting about punishment, but when we consider Jesus, we have to realize that if He had dealt with us in anger, He wouldn't have died for us.

So, what does an angry mom teach her children?

 An angry mom teaches her children that they are never enough.  No matter how hard they work to try to please a parent, that parent is never satisfied or is only temporarily content... until they aren't.  An angry parent is never satisfied for long because they are continually looking for the faults, the flaws, and the mistakes.  Eventually a child will become either discouraged and depressed with no self-esteem, or they will rebel and stop trying to please an impossible parent.

An angry mom teaches her children to always be on guard, walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosive moment.  Children with angry parents have been known to suffer PTSD, because they live continually in an uncertain environment where they never know what will happen.  They live afraid.  Eventually they will develop anger issues of their own or they will become a people-pleaser, trying to win the approval of others because they never got it at home.

An angry mom teaches her children to use emotion to manipulate others.  That is what the parent does, and a child will imitate the behavior with others in their lives.

An angry mom teaches her child that they aren't truly loved because everything is about the parent.  A child that feels as if they don't matter, or that every show of attention comes with a high price, will be more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, anger in themselves, and low-self-esteem.

An angry mom teaches her children to lie.  Any mistake the child makes is a cause for fear of reprisal.  So, the child will become secretive and lie to hide any mistakes because they know that if their angry mom (or dad) finds out, it will cause an unreasonable punishment.  Angry moms give unreasonable punishments, often humiliating the child or using physical and verbal abuse, because it is a measure of control.

Speaking of verbal abuse, an angry mom teaches her child that they have little value.  Continually calling them names, from ones like "jerk" to ones that are basically curse words, is abuse.  Degrading and belittling them is wrong.  It is telling your child that they aren't worth much.  Children believe what they are told.  Tell a child how horrible they are often enough and they will believe it and live it.

Angry moms teach their child to be angry.  Patterns are repeated generationally.  It can even become a family legacy. When you find angry moms, you will often find an angry grandmother and maybe an angry great-grandmother or father or grandfather.  Anger is one of those things that becomes a habit, a way to deal with life.  With the amount of anger in the world, it seems as if we have a lot of angry parents in the world.

There are times when I still fight anger.  Times in my life where I am being simply pummeled by demands or times when life feels crazy are times when I am most vulnerable.  I am learning to give myself a break and take the time for rest when needed.  Life is getting a little less complicated as my children get older and become adults.  Also, I know when I need, I can take the time to write or go for a walk or escape in a book.  I might find a friend to talk to that will give me good advice and positive encouragement.

Learning about my personality was very helpful.  I am not shy, so I had always assumed I was an extrovert.  As it turns out, I am an introvert, and I need my time to myself.  I need time to write and read and be alone with my thoughts and prayers.  This is how I recharge.  When I had a house full of young children, there was little time to recharge.  I was always surrounded by people.  I didn't have a lot of quiet.  I would stay up really late to have time alone, but then I would be exhausted.  Having time to myself, and time with God, is vital for me to let go of stress and help manage my emotions.  It gives me time to hand all the worries and struggles to Jesus, instead of thinking I have to fix everything or everyone. 

This is key for me:  I avoid others that are negative and angry.  I am very sensitive to moods and attitudes.  I think some people should have warning labels saying "Prolonged exposure can be detrimental to to your health."    I don't want to live angry any longer, and that means that I have to be extremely careful what and who I allow to influence me.   I listen to podcasts of other people that choose to be positive.  I gain a lot of perspective from those that have fought the battle of anger and come out on the other side.  Avoiding long-term exposure to people that are negative is key.  I can't avoid negative people all together, but I can limit my time with them.  I used to think that I could fix them by being positive around them.  It doesn't work.  I have learned that if a negative, angry person doesn't see that they are negative and angry, or doesn't care, they won't be as influenced by you as you hope and they will drag you down at the earliest possibility.

There is a saying that goes around that dismisses the problems anger can cause when parenting.  "We are all just doing the best we can."  It's crap.  Parenting is hard, I agree.  Yes, there are many doing the best they can with limited resources and energy.  But others aren't doing the best they can.  They are doing the best they want, and there is a big difference.  If you feel entitled to your anger, then you will do the best you want.  If you don't see it as a problem and, in fact, get a little high out of using your anger to manipulate and control, you are doing the best you want, not the best you can.  

My mothering has changed.  I still have areas of struggle, but for the most part, I physically get ill when I allow anger to course through me.  I have worked diligently to have strong bonds and healthy relationships with my children.  I'm not perfect and neither are they, but we love each other.  I pray that the anger issues I fought won't have passed on to my children.  They are smarter than me, though, and hopefully will not follow in my footsteps.

If you are an angry mom, it is time to face it and not make excuses.  It is time to make some changes to how you parent, to how you see your children, to your attitude, and to your habits and reactions.  Seek help if necessary.  You can change the course of your life and the lives of your children by choosing a different path. 

A Simple Childhood

My sister and I at our Grandma's house.

Growing up, I lived very differently from how children live today.  No, there weren't the cell phones and gaming systems such as we have today.  (Yes, I did have an Atari at one point.)  When I think back to my childhood, I remember being outside.  I remember Grandma's farm.  I remember walking the fence-line while reading a book.  I remember taking my Barbie dolls outside for adventures.  I built forts with my uncle, who is only a few years older than me.  We built forts out of snow, out of chairs and blankets, and even in haylofts.  We built forts everywhere, inside and outside.

I have two sisters, but one is much younger than me.  Most of my memories growing up were with me and my other sis, the one close to my age.  We grew up in the seventies and eighties, for the most part.  Our lives were very different from today.  We didn't have a lot of money in our family, and yet we didn't feel poor until we compared ourselves and our possessions to the kids at school.

We didn't have much, but we didn't always realize it.

Our vacations as kids were not extravagant and only happened a couple of times.  We would pile in Grandpa's station wagon and go to the campground about fifteen minutes away to swim in their pond.  If we went out to eat, it was a special day, because it happened so rarely.

Our "fancy times" were with a grandmother.  She would take us every summer for a week or so.  She would plan for our visit and have a schedule of things to do.  We would sleep in her back bedroom, that smelled of old books and sunshine. We would go shopping, which didn't happen very often in our lives.  I don't think I went to the mall as a child except when Grandma took us.  Grandma would take us to plays and concerts, movies and restaurants.  I laugh now because my sister, no matter how fancy the restaurant, always ordered a grilled cheese.

Grandma's Painting of her Farm

We didn't take lessons all summer or participate in this structured activity and that community activity.  We helped our other Grandma in the garden and played with our cousins.  If we were lucky, and there was money, we might go to an amusement park or the fair.  Summer was a time where we could escape our world.  It didn't matter if we had new clothes at Grandma's farm.  We were only limited by our imaginations, and we played hour upon hour in the toasty sun.  We would go fishing, and I remember catching fish, but I hated fish and would never eat them. The sheets would be flapping on the clothesline, and the dogs would be chasing passing cars.  It was a time in my life where I felt free.

Do kids get that today?  Do they have months of playing outside?  Do they use their imaginations and climb trees and fall into books?  Do they build forts? 

Some do.  Some are too busy taking summer school and lessons and camps and this activity and that activity.  There is nothing wrong with any of those things, in moderation, but the reality is that kids need time to be kids.  I was a kid.  I had summers to play and escape.  My family didn't have a lot of money, and in a way that was a blessing.  My family couldn't afford all the structured things, but I had all of outside.  I had books everywhere because my grandmothers liked to read. I had time to discover the world around me, the spiders and the new kittens in the barn and the snakes that scared the life out of me.  I had mulberry trees to climb, and often came back with hands and face stained with mulberry juice.

I wonder how much the rise in ADHD levels correlates with the decrease in time outside.  Kids are meant to be kids.

Even the experts are telling parents that children need more time in unstructured play.   There is even a movement of parents practicing what has been labeled "Free Range Parenting."  Free Range Parenting is just parents raising their kids more closely to how they were raised, with less supervision and more time to learn how to be independent.  I probably am not a free-range parent, but I don't fit into the helicopter parenting style, either.  If I had a farm to send my child to every summer, I would.  There is something special about having space and time to be outside, wild and free.  But, since I don't, there are parks and hiking trails and even the grassy yard behind my apartment complex.

My children have occasionally been involved in structured activities.  We had some sports, some theater.  They were involved in school activities when they were in public school.  This summer my youngest daughter will participate in a musical theater production.  She enjoys performing.  She will also be a part of the local library's Summer Reading Program.  We have a lot of plans for this summer.  We have a lot of things we want to accomplish.  Swimming, hiking, being together as a family, enjoying special occasions, such as one of my daughters getting married.  What I don't want is a summer full of stress and rushing and planned activities that leave me feeling like I need a vacation from our summer vacation.

For a long time I felt that because I grew up without a lot, I had missed out in my childhood.  The reality is that I hadn't missed much.  I had a great childhood.  No, I didn't have the finer things in life.  Like I said, if I went out to eat twice a year, I felt special.  And yet, I had a mom that made me play outside.   I had a grandma with a small farm.  I had another grandma with a love of culture and a desire to expose her grandchildren.  I had time to read and run and play and create.  Considering the way many kids are over-scheduled today, or spend hours a day inside playing video games or watching television, I think my childhood was excellent.

I want something similar for my children.  I did okay with the older ones, but I have noticed that it gets more and more difficult to counter all the technology today.  It gets more challenging to come up with unstructured time for kids to be kids.  There is a race in many parents to prepare their children for adulthood, and organized activities seem to be the method of doing so.  I see a lot of parents give their child all the "stuff" that they didn't have when they were children.  The result is that we have children that know how to play baseball and football, but not how to entertain themselves.  We have children that can win their video games and program a computer, but can't cook. I think, as parents, we may have a lot of things backwards in this preparation for adulthood.

This isn't about teaching responsibility.  Chores are still a good predictor of adult success.  This isn't about not disciplining your child.  It is about giving them a freedom to be a child before it is too late.  Most of the memories from my childhood on Grandma's farm or in my backyard at home help to soothe the ones of disappointments or hurts that also occurred in my childhood.  It was a chance to put off growing up too fast, as often happens in children when parents have a rough time.  I can still remember sitting on the hill at Grandma's and watching the sunset over the cornfield.  I can remember the smell of the summer breeze and the sound of the crickets and cicadas.

We should be purposeful in our choices.  How ironic is it to be purposeful about unscheduled time?  Just like being purposeful about spending time together as a family or purposeful about living more simply, it takes being purposeful about giving our children free time to just be.  And while it may seem that children are wasting time when they are building yet another Lego creation or running like little madmen around the park, this is the time when they can simply be children.  They will have their entire adult lives to be grown-ups.