The stress level was unbearable. Yes, there was unforeseen circumstances that arose, such as a daughter in the ICU twice. But that wasn’t the core problem. It added a bit to a stressful time, but I melted down on the second day of classes. Each day since has been a challenge, comparable to trying to swim with an anchor tied to my feet. I just felt like I was drowning all the time.
The more stressed I became, it seemed that my youngest ADHD daughter became more unfocused, more symptomatic. In fact, of all the homeschooling years, this one with her has been the worst. My patience would wear thin and my frustration and stress levels would rise, and she would slowly deteriorate even more. I would cut her courseload, but it often made no difference. What should be a couple hours of work would stretch on and on. The joy was gone. She hated it all. She is a big bookworm, but was sick of reading. She procrastinated and got distracted and lost any joy.
I knew I had stopped the things that added to our days. Reading aloud stopped because I didn’t have time and she wasn’t getting anything done. We stopped projects because they took too much supervision. That meant most of the art I had wanted to include stopped. School was a duty and a drudgery for me, as it was all about getting stuff done. I wasn’t enjoying myself. It was a drudgery for my ten year old, and she has begun to hate it.
Then the panic attacks began. Now, our family is going through some stuff right now. The stress from those things takes a toll. But the added stress of trying to do it all got to me. At one point this past semester, I was barely sleeping and the few times I would sleep, I would wake up with my heart racing and my chest broke out in hives. I spent at least three weeks with my chest feeling like it was being squeezed in a vise. I struggled to breathe. I cried all the time.
A couple weeks ago, as I was going through old blog posts, I realized that I miss being a homeschool mom. Am I still a homeschool mom? Yes, but I am a disconnected one.
Homeschooling is not just about presenting information and skills to a child. Homeschooling is about relationships. Homeschooling is about building up the strengths and gifts in each child so they can be the person God made them to be. Homeschooling is about giving my children and myself a foundation that is missing in this world. Homeschooling is about sharing with each other... books, ideas, conversations, time, God. All of that has been missing for months.
I will still be a college student. For now, I will be a part-time student. It will still require I balance my time. But, I will get to step up and be a homeschool mom again. Instead of forty hours a week or more focused on school, I get to cut that in half. Maybe my ten year old can have read aloud time with Mom again.
I asked myself why I was pushing so hard. Truthfully, it was because I am an overachiever, as my daughter calls me. But also, it is because I will lose a large chunk of financial aid by dropping to part-time. This saddens me because there are many that would love the opportunity to go to college, but have other responsibilities and can’t go full-time. They are punished for having jobs and being parents and having elderly parents to care for. They are punished for not being a single, young man or woman with very few other responsibilities.
Perhaps the idea is to have these students take out student loans. Perhaps the goal is to limit those that aren’t serious about getting a college degree. But the reality is that money is a factor, and it has been a major part of the struggle in this decision.
But as I think about next semester, and the thought of repeating this past semester, my chest tightens and I feel the panic setting in. I know that God will have to make a way, because I can’t keep going at this pace right now in my life.
I breathe easier, knowing that life can slow down a bit and I can be a homeschool mom once again.
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