My Way or God's Way

Living life by laying burdens at the Cross is tough sometimes.  God doesn't want us to bear our burdens alone, but often those burdens are of our own making.  Choices made, some before we even came to Christ and some of other people's making, often have long lasting repercussions.

I look at how the mistakes made by my husband and me from our years of living without Christ, and even the years since as we have been trying to grow and learn, and I realize that we have made a lot of serious errors.  Luckily we have a God who has forgiven us and continues to forgive us.  Forgiveness doesn't always mean no consequences, however.  There is a lot of pain in our lives some days from those choices.  That  pain is continually laid at the feet of our Savior, but it is still very real.

God has given me some amazing directions in my life.  Being obedient to those directions has sometimes been tough since I often want to understand, and it isn't my place to understand God's ways... just to follow them.  When I follow God's commands for me, I find that He shows me the way, guides me in directions I had never thought of, and gives me joy that I hadn't expected.  Then, there is the times I try to do things my own way, hoping God will bless that way.  I often try my own way without prayer, just going on emotion.  Then, even when that way isn't working, I find that I keep trying... and getting more frustrated and upset when things don't go as I hope.

I had all these plans in my head and heart about how things would go, even to the point of how I would serve and help others.  The trouble is that they were my plans.  Some of the things I do or have done for Christ are because He led me there.  Other times, I have been totally off base and the resulting struggle has been heart-wrenching. 


Letting go of my own plans and dreams, whether for myself or for my children, is difficult.  When to let go is taking a lot of prayer on my part.  Did I give them the tools they need?   Are they prepared for the real world?  Sadly, I know they will have a lot of tough lessons out there in the real world.  Yet, at this point, I know that I am enabling them to not grow up and into the life that God has for them if I don't make some very tough stands and decisions.  Ironically, my husband has been after me to make these stands and decisions for a long time now, but I thought I was helping.  I thought I was giving them an opportunity. 


What I have found, however, is that they don't appreciate the opportunity or the service.  I am frustrated with trying to do, do, do.  I am spending money I can't afford trying to serve and make things easier.  I am hurt because I feel that all I do goes unnoticed and may end up wasted.  My dreams aren't their dreams.  My plans aren't their plans.  Unfortunately, I often wonder if God's plans are their plans.  I am learning, though, that God's plans for them are for Him to show them.  I may think I know, or hope for one way or another, but God has to reveal to them the things He has for them.  They won't grasp or want a vision that is from mom alone, even if her heart was in the right place.


My Home Mission Field was revealed to me by God as a training ground for my home.  I have a distinct direction in my home to serve my husband until the day God calls us home.  I have a distinct direction in my home to serve and prepare my children for whatever mission field God calls them.  Those mission fields could contain a career of some sort, life as a wife and mother, and service to Him... even if they don't serve Him in a career.  My direction from God is to prepare my children to serve Christ in a world that looks at serving Christ as something to be ridiculed and even persecuted.  God has made it clear lately that, at a certain age, I must step aside.  I can't help those that don't truly want to be helped.  I can't change others.  I can't continually and unnecessarily live a life that is not bearing the fruit in me or others that God desires.


Continual prayer for God's will is necessary.  I have struggled for a very long time with things I don't understand, with hurts that I have lived through, with wanting God to act in my timing and not His.  As expected, this has led to further disappointment, frustration, and anger.  But God doesn't want me to live this way.  That has been made extremely clear to me.  Whether it is letting go of my dreams so God can give me His, or just handing situations and people over to Him for Him to handle and deal with.


There is a song by John Waller that was in the movie Fireproof that has had a lot of meaning for me lately.  Some of those situations that have frustrated and tormented me, I turn over to God.  When I don't see anything changing quickly, I have often picked the problem back up and once again continued the cycle of frustration and torment.  I haven't learned the art of waiting on God.  This song shows a person how to wait, and it isn't always easy.  It's a trust issue.  Do we trust God.  It's an issue of letting go.  It's an issue of putting our focus on the Lord and not on the trials.  The song is called While I'm Waiting.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

For those situations where God has told me to act, I have to be obedient... even if it is hard, even if others are not happy.  I have trust God will be with me every step of the way.