Darkness has overwhelmed me the last couple days. A battle is happening that I feel unprepared to fight. It's like the culmination of months and maybe even years of little battles have given way to one large, looming presence of the enemy.
I've given my heart and my trust and my faith to people. We all do it. We trust others in the good times, not thinking that the bad times will be that bad. We don't even realize that we have been blindly trusting people instead of God. We definitely don't realize that, when God gives us lessons, the tests on those lessons will be more and more intense until we either don't pass, as in what happened with me, or we no longer are tested in this area.
We also underestimate the enemy and his utter contempt for Christ. If we are truly desiring to live a life submitted to Christ, Satan will stop at nothing to destroy our lives. Sometimes it is piece by piece, and sometimes it is in one devastating swoop. I honestly believe Christ will protect, but often He will allow things to happen to refine us and cause us to turn to Him totally... not just a little.
Thursday night my life imploded. God has been working on me to put an end to a generational curse that seems to have overtaken my family... Anger. I have worked hard, spent a lot of time in prayer and studying and even fasting to try to get this sin removed as a controlling presence in my life. God has been very clear to me that anger is sin, despite years of being taught differently. I have slowly been learning to not get angry as an immediate response to situations.
I've also been studying a lot on parental authority. I have come to realize that I share way too much with certain people in my life. When I've had a rough time with my children, or other situations in my life, I have always believed that I could go to friends or certain family members. I don't necessarily go to them for help, but to vent, to cry on their shoulder so to speak. I never expected that the things I thought I was saying in confidence would be used as a tool to hurt me. Slowly, I have seen this happen however. I should have gone to God with my problems instead. Proverbs 10:19 says Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. I didn't follow this. I just kept talking through the years about faults in my children.
The result is that my children have been perceived as these fake Christian children and others have deemed it permissible to treat them poorly. Others believe they know better than me because I'm just a mom whose children have problems. They minimize or find excuses for the issues with their own children while making issue of my children. This has caused divisiveness in my family. My children feel put under a microscope. My mistakes as a parent and their mistakes as children and as Christians are up for ridicule while other children are allowed to hurt without apology. Even family members that should have looked for ways to encourage my children have instead felt the need to tear them down. This has led to one daughter on the verge of total rebellion and another so hurt that she doesn't trust.
This situation escalated until I lost my temper Thursday evening. I don't want to justify my anger. No matter what the provocation, I was wrong. I should have kept quiet and let God deal with the situation. I was watching my daughter be hurt, and Satan knows I am quick to defend my children. Words are words, and I should have handled things differently. I felt my daughter was being attacked, and that there was no respect going on for me as a mother. Satan is smart, and he knows what buttons to push and who to use.
I trashed my testimony for Christ, and that is something that I can't easily change. It was easier to give in to my emotions and my anger than to practice patience and hold back my wrath... or encourage my daughter to do the same. I read a definition of patience recently that goes well with my battle with anger. Patience is the grace of man who could revenge himself but chooses not to.
Romans 12:19 - Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back." says the Lord.
I didn't let God work. I didn't endure. Sometimes patience means doing nothing. Since I was little, I have been taught to stand up for myself and not to be a doormat. Yet, that isn't usually the correct, Godly way. The correct, Godly way is to not react or do anything outwardly negative, to resist that urge. I should have given the situation time, prayed, and waited. I let my frustrations and anger take over.
I apologized, but it hasn't really meant much. Truthfully, this situation is partly my fault. I have taught others by my anger and by talking too openly about my life that my life is okay to criticize and demean. I gave my authority of my children away to others by letting them know too much, seeking their advice instead of going to God, and putting my trust in them in a way that I should reserve for my husband and God.
The words of anger that have been aimed at me play through my head. I was called a hypocrite. My anger, which I so want to justify but know that I can't, destroyed my testimony for Christ. Even now I am having a little trouble after being physically threatened and criticized publicly over facebook. I have to let Christ handle these things, because my "standing up for myself or defending my child" the way I did is anger, and that will never bring justice. This lesson for me was new and untested, and I failed at applying it. Does it matter how the other person or people were acting? Since there was no physical danger to my child, I should have just told her to let things go or blocked the offending person from my daughter's phone and life as much as possible until things passed. Instead of coming to me quietly and with respect concerning an area of concern, or staying out of things completely, it became an issue of attacks and gossip and division days before I got involved and lost my temper. This is my fault because I have allowed too much input from others instead of keeping things between me and my husband and God. When you are too outspoken with your life and problems with others, they won't respect boundaries and they won't make their children respect them either. I'm sorry for my actions, and the fact that I not only lost my temper, but allowed others to think that my life is free to be dissected.
My husband is a very easy going guy. He rarely gets angry. He is a calm sort of man. He isn't perfect, but he has a very generous spirit. He has been patient with me. He has asked me not to share too much with others a few times over the years. His opinion is that he sees situations spiral out of control with everyone having and voicing opinions in areas that should be none of their business. He's right. Others have unfairly lost respect for my husband because I talked too openly about personal struggles we were having. My emotions often override his common sense at times. Whether I am upset or happy with a situation, I tend to carry my emotions on my sleeve and share freely. Some of that sharing of my personal problems bordered on gossip, because it was really none of anyone else's business. For that I am sorry. I've also been the target of others' gossip because I have shared too freely my personal life. I know the hurt, pain, and betrayal a person feels when they find out they've been the topic of conversations where personal things have been revealed, discussed, and secretly evaluated and judged.
There are a lot of lessons I've had to learn the hard way. I've made my share of mistakes. Things I would not think of doing to others I've allowed to be done to me, and then gotten upset because they were done. I've probably lost a friend. I know I have to learn to not put my trust in people. I have to learn to take things to God and not let others have too much personal knowledge of my home. Boundaries are okay to set up. I often forget that not everyone needs to know everything about my life. There is a difference between support and encouragement from a friend or family, or allowing myself or my children to be tore apart, then reacting no better than the ones attacking because of anger and frustration. I pray for forgiveness. I pray that God will continue to lead me and be patient with me as I learn my lessons. I pray that I don't have to learn ALL my lessons the hard way. I also pray that He gives me the grace to forgive and move on, and the wisdom to know when to keep quiet... not only when anger first rises up, but about things in my life that aren't the business of others. I pray that I learn when others are trying to usurp my authority as a parent that I will react in a Godly way. I pray that this blog helps others, touching lives, as others see that they aren't the only ones with struggles.
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