Ocean-sized Homeschool Questions

 

As an “experienced” homeschool mama, I find myself often asking the same questions I asked when I first began homeschooling twelve years ago.  Surely I should just “get it” by now.  But the same insecurities often come back to me during the more difficult days. 

Am I doing enough?

Am I doing too much?

Should I be more structured?

Should I be more relaxed?

Is there a magic curriculum that will just do its stuff and give me the desired results?

Should I stick with what I’m doing?

Is my child succeeding?

Question after question plague my mind some days and I wonder if I’m somehow failing my child.  Despite having twelve years of homeschooling experience and three graduates successfully managing adulthood, I still find myself questioning and reading and researching.  I pray and give it to God, and still wonder.  I read a little more and rinse and repeat.  

You see, I’m that mom.  I’m that mom that loves to research.  I’m that mom that never throws away materials that might one day come in useful.  (The boxes of books and curriculum in my garage attest to this fact.). I’m that mom that loves to meet with other homeschooling mamas and discuss what worked for them and what didn’t... and why.  I’m the mom, like many of us moms, that has a head full of ideas and hopes and dreams, but sees the tough days and all the questions in her mind as a personal reflection of where she might fail her child. 

And now I have another teenager.  

It was so much simpler when she was a little sprite that loved to dance to the Hooked on Phonics videos and sang her math facts as she wrote the answers in her messy, left-handed writing.  The days when fall leaves were a fascination and finger paints were a joy have faded. 

Now she wants to study oceanography.  I love the ocean.  I have lived by two oceans in my life.  I want her to be able to dive in (literally would be great) and learn to her heart’s content.  But we live in the Midwest.  My snowplow-driving hubby is on call tonight with a wintry mix expected.  Trying to find hands-on oceanic activities is a little challenging when the Atlantic Ocean is 866 miles away and the Pacific Ocean is nearly 2000 miles away. 

Yes, she has studied the ocean with her earth science studies, but she is missing the experiential aspect of learning oceanography.  The closest we come is Lake Michigan.  And while she may one day get to smell the salt water, collect shells on the shore,  and swim with dolphins; it won’t be in the next year. 

And so, the doubts enter in.  I doubt the reruns of Hawaii Five-O will substitute.  Am I insane for wanting to purchase books on oceanography, perhaps look up educational videos, but know she will be studying something that she can’t experience at this point in time?  And isn’t the earth science studies something that she needs to move past so she can meet the requirements for high school next year with biology and chemistry, etc?

I bounce back and forth between two trains of thought. I tell myself that we have studied centuries of history, but didn’t live at those time periods.  Just today we finished an advent book that dug into the birth of Jesus, studying the time period of Jesus’ birth and the Roman rule over Israel at the time.  We weren’t there.  We didn’t get to see Baby Jesus be born or experience the angelic host as the showed themselves to the shepherds.  And yet, I don’t feel as if I have failed in any way because I could only offer my child the wonder of Christmas without the experience of “being there.”  My goal was to emphasize the meaning of Christmas, to build up my daughter’s knowledge and love of Jesus.  We may not experience ancient Israel, but we do experience Christ.  Would I not be short-changing my child if I didn’t give her the wonder of the birth of Jesus?  Even if our minds have to imagine the young Mary, giving birth to her first child among stable animals?

Is it not the same with the ocean?  Beyond learning the basics, if my daughter is fascinated by an ocean she has never seen, shouldn’t I indulge her interest?  Will she not learn so much more about the world as it relates to many other areas of science if she studies oceanography?  Will she not learn about wildlife and sea creatures in her study?  Will she not go even deeper into weather by studying occurrences that happen over the ocean... like hurricanes and tsunamis and tropical storms? Will she not learn more about gravity and even space as she studies ocean currents?  Will she not touch on biology and astronomy and even some chemistry as she digs and studies?

Won’t she one day stand on an ocean shore and be able to smell the salt water, feel the coolness of the water on her skin, hear the waves crashing in a soothing rhythm, and be able to name the shells and plants and types of fish swimming in the shallow reefs? 

After all, she loves the writings of C.S. Lewis, but isn’t going to England this year. She can still imagine the country and switch into an English accent in a heartbeat.  She won’t be going to Narnia, but she still can learn the lessons Mr. Lewis so eloquently brought to life through his stories. 

These are the thoughts that swirl through a homeschool mom’s mind as she contemplates what to study next and if she should stick to the prescribed curriculum plans or venture on a side quest. 

Homeschooling means I can give my child the world, even if I can’t do so physically at this present time. Homeschooling brings options. And with those options come questions.  Sometimes those questions are small, like which phonics program to use for my creative, ADHD girl.  And sometimes those questions are the size of an ocean. 

It would be easy to just go with what’s next in the carefully chosen curriculum.  After all, I selected a curriculum that is quality, that meets college entrance requirements, that is academically sound but set on a solid Biblical foundation. Carefully laid plans can bring a path, a direction.  They can also shut doors on rabbit trails and curiosity.  

Homeschool moms (and dads) take on a huge responsibility when they decide to shoulder the education of their children.  And while the years of experience often bring the wisdom to discern what is busy work and what is relevant, sometimes in saunters doubts and questions.  For me, letting my child wander off the path to dive into her own interests was easier somehow when she was younger.

We spent nearly two years following passions.  My child’s interests in those two years were vast.  She studied horses, weather, volcanoes, Greek mythology, Harriet Tubman, the Underground Railroad, and anything else that caught her interest.  She devoured The Bobbsey Twins and American Girl.  She read nearly every Andrew Clements book in the library.  Together we read Inkheart and The Narnia series and Harry Potter.  I took a leap of faith and let her explore, let her learn what got her attention.  In typical ADHD style, her hyper-focus let her gain vast amounts of knowledge.  I could barely keep up with her as she devoured books and documentaries.  

But as high school nears, I find myself more hesitant to take that leap.  I find myself with those ocean-sized questions returning.  After all, doesn’t she need to be exposed to more than just what interests her?  Doesn’t she need more structure as she prepares for whatever God has for her future?  And don’t I want that routine, that knowing what’s next in the scope and sequence? Don’t the events of this past year prove to me that it isn’t just important but vital that my girl has a strong grasp of history and civics?  Haven’t we seen many examples students that have graduated with a poor understanding of history and socialism and the Constitution willing to make decisions about our country that causes more damage than good? And as a Christian, don’t I want my child to be able to think critically instead of just believing what is on the news or in a social media post?

How can deciding whether to veer from the science route be this big of a deal?  Having taken the road less traveled for those couple years of exploration, I know one interest often leads to other areas.  Will it just be a substituted science path?  Unlikely.  

My daughter at the moment also has developed an interest in Japanese anime.  She purposely chooses to watch the Japanese show with subtitles instead of the Americanized version.  Often she will walk into a room speaking phrases in Japanese that she has learned from what she is watching.  

But learn she does.  She has been taking Spanish for school; but because her interest is in Japanese at the moment, she has learned more of the Japanese language in a few weeks than the Spanish she has studied for months.  I know when a child is interested in what they are studying, he or she absorbs information like a dry sponge does water.  And I also know that if they are just taking the class because it’s expected and listed on the planner, the lessons might not be retained as well. Ironically, if someone else was in this situation and asked for my advice, I would tell them to let their child study the oceanography. I am actually a little shocked that I’m struggling with this, because I have read the science about how children learn.  I know following a natural curiosity leads to deep learning and a development of study skills that are unrivaled when compared with any other method. 

This year has been difficult.  Money has been tight.  I have had to plan very carefully in every area of our finances.  A set plan brings a comfort because I know it checks all the boxes.  The fact that I have a lot of the materials also is reassuring because I don’t have to worry about straining an already tight budget any further.  Even if I let go of what my plans say our homeschool would hold for the next year or so, I’m still bound by budget constraints. 

Ocean-sized questions mean I give the matter some ocean-sized prayer.  To all those homeschool mamas out there with similar questions about what path to take, know you are not alone. 

The Pressure to Measure

It is in our nature to want to measure and evaluate, to have definite standards where we can line up growth and achievements on a chart or a scale, that we can then show the world or know exactly where we are succeeding or where others are lacking.  Babies are often evaluated by growth charts and given the percentile of their growth compared to other children their age.  They are also measured by when they achieve certain skills, such as when they roll over or crawl or walk.

In school, the same type of mentality exists.  The average first-grader should meet standards chosen by “experts” or they are considered learning disabled.  Often these experts will set standards that have nothing to do with what science and psychology says about child development. Earlier and earlier children are pushed and asked to do more and more in ways that unnatural for them.

For years I have been pushed and pulled in one direction and then another.  What is best?  I want my children to academically excel, but I also want them to grow at their own pace.  I have homeschooled now for well over a decade and graduated three students.  In those three children, I had some very unique learners.  None of them were exactly the same.  They didn’t learn the same way or have the same interests or personalities.  They didn’t excel in the same areas.  They each struggled in areas that came easy for others and soared in areas that others found challenging. 

One thing all of my three graduates did have in common was they spent some time in public school.  All three had been exposed to the “school mentality.”  They had been measured by those standards the experts chose.  Those standards changed multiple times through the years.  New testing was introduced, new benchmarks of achievement.  Each child, whether it was for three years or ten years, suffered in some way in the comparison-based, over-tested mentality of the public schools.  Even those that did well still felt the sting of a teacher that favored certain students and a system that, much like society, tended to focus on the squeaky wheels more than the quiet workers. 

Each child, when they came home to be homeschooled, battled that mentality that had so pervaded their thinking.  As a homeschool mom that was public schooled, I also fight that mentality.  It’s ingrained in the culture to think that testing and grades are the best way to measure success in a child.  Even though academic success does not predict career success, we have been led to believe that it does. 

Dr. Adam Grant stated the following in “What Straight-A Students Get Wrong”:

“Academic grades rarely assess qualities like creativity, leadership and teamwork skills, or social, emotional and political intelligence. Yes, straight-A students master cramming information and regurgitating it on exams. But career success is rarely about finding the right solution to a problem — it’s more about finding the right problem to solve.”

My youngest child never went to school.  She should be immune to the same way of thinking.  She isn’t.  She isn’t because it pervades culture.  It’s on every television show and game and YouTube video.   She isn’t immune because her mom, her main teacher, has battled so many fears that she is failing her child when her child struggles in an area due to her own pressures from public schooling.  My youngest child should be free, but she still gets grilled by strangers occasionally if she is outside during “school time.”  She still deals with others that believe a child that is homeschooled is inferior in some way because she isn’t in the school environment or being tested into oblivion to see how she measures up to those arbitrary standards set by the “experts.”  

It shouldn’t be easy to overlook her strengths, which are many, and see only the areas that haven’t clicked yet.  Those standards race through my head, and I see where she hasn’t met them...  not where she has exceeded them. And the truth is, the standards are arbitrary and she has more than conquered some of them.  So what?  

I shouldn’t be asking, “Am I failing her in this area?”  I should be asking, “Does she love to learn?”  “Is she curious?”  “Does she have passions where she loves to dig deep?”  “Does she love Jesus?”  “ Is she kind?”  “Has the light gone out of her eyes about learning?”

Often, too many of us, including me at times, will trade the positives just so we can fall back on human nature and our public schooled-mentality and measure everything.  I have had to ask myself, “Will I trade the light going out of my daughter’s eyes for me showing she has met standards I don’t even believe are healthy?”

It would be stupid to say yes, and yet so many of us don’t even realize this is what we have done. 

I had a conversation with another homeschool mom recently.  She was stressed about the areas where her children were struggling and trying to complete all of a curriculum.  In truth, she was afraid she was failing her children.  I wanted to hug her and tell her that I have done the same thing a million times, that I still fight the compulsion to do the same.  I wanted to tell her that curriculum is simply a tool.  She was afraid her kids would miss something vital if she skipped anything and she would regret it later. 

I have learned that it is impossible to learn everything you need to know before graduation.  It is more important to know how to learn what you need when you need to learn it.  It is more important to love learning and be a life-long learner, not just someone with a head full of stuff.  

To be honest, I don’t remember most of what I learned in school.  But, I’m a reader and a researcher.  If I want to know something, I can usually figure it out.  When I decided to research autoimmune diseases, I spent two years reading everything I could.  When I wanted to take my photography more seriously, I found free online courses, books, and played with my camera until I understood more.  When I needed to learn things for college that I had forgotten or never learned in the years since high school, I did what I needed and learned the necessary skills. This is how we naturally learn. 

And so, to my struggling homeschool moms... and to myself... I say, “Relax.”  Have some fun with your children.  Laugh.  Go on adventures.  Read together.  Pray together.  Break the tough stuff up... or put it off a bit until young minds have matured enough to grasp the concepts.  Be balanced in your thinking.  Remember your child’s strengths, not just the areas of struggles.  Be creative.  And most of all, know that God is still in control.  He knows the plan He has for your child.  

ADHD Challenges

Some days are rougher than others.  My youngest child has what has been labeled as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  She was never diagnosed by a doctor.  At this point, with a strong genetic factor in the family, I don't need a professional to tell me the symptoms.  I have experienced it in my husband and step-daughter for years.  I have researched, and have seen that the brains of those with ADHD are different.   However, is being different an illness?  Aren't the brains of many different from the norm?  By this standard, those with genius level IQs would have to be labeled as having an illness since brain scans of those considered geniuses often show differences from most of the population. 

There was a time when I didn't think ADHD was real.  There are still those that publish articles saying that it is a made-up disease.  However, I have spent a long time researching it. I think the symptoms are exacerbated today.  I believe this is due to many factors, such as how television and screen time rewires brains.  I also believe that nutrition, or the lack thereof, plays a significant role in brain changes during all stages of development.  I also think that it was misdiagnosed or was simply treated differently in the past.

In the past, childhood was treated differently than it is treated now.  Children didn't always start school at ages three or younger.  Most children didn't start school until age seven when compulsory schooling began moving the age younger and younger.  Now, it is rare in America to see a child not begin formal schooling until age seven.  This means that children that struggle with attention issues are being forced to pay attention at younger and younger ages for longer and longer periods of time.  This makes the struggle with ADHD all the more challenging.

Second, children were outside.  They had chores.  They played.  As a child, I was outside all the time, if possible.  We had recess in the cold weather, in snow, several times a day.  We were outside, climbing on the monkey bars and swinging on the swings. Summers were spent outside, from morning till night, having adventures.  I was a bookworm type, and I was still outside most of the time. 

The correlation between the decrease in children playing outside and ADHD has been made by several organizations.  Want to read for yourself?  Try this article, or this one, or this one, or this one, or this one, or this one.

In America, the first line of defense is often medication.  Parents are often bullied and pressured into medicating their child by the schools, even though the law states that it is illegal to require a child be medicated, and CPS has even taken children from their homes if parents won't seek treatment and medication.This leaves parents in a tough spot, if they are uncertain about medicating their child.  Most will compromise, medicating during school time, but forgoing meds during breaks and weekends. They want the best for their child, including a quality education and fitting in with social norms, and if medication can help achieve this, then it is simply a fact of life.

I think the decision to medicate your child is one that must be made carefully, but it is a decision that is up to the parents.  My husband and I have chosen not to use medication at this point. We never medicated my step-daughter, and we are trying not to do so with our youngest.  We homeschool.  There are various reasons for this, but one main reason is so that we can work around her ADHD.

Other countries have proven that a different way to handle ADHD can be beneficial.  In America, approximately twelve out of one thousand children are medicated for ADHD.  I found this article from Psychology Today to be very informative about the differences in how America treats ADHD and Finland, a country that commonly scores in first or second place academically in the world.

Children with ADHD are often developmentally behind.  Depending on the child, this can leave them at many different places academically.  Socially, having ADHD can leave them isolated if they have not developed as quickly as other children their age.  The Child Development Institute believes that ADHD children can be as much as three years behind in areas such as "attention, concentration, emotional regulation, and flexibility"  This means that my ten year old may be responding in many ways like a seven year old.  She may be in the fifth grade and able to handle much of the fifth grade course work, but in other areas, such as attention, she may struggle with giving the attention typical of a ten-year old fifth-grader.

This morning my daughter freaked out because her dad is trading in his bass guitar for a different one.  Her inability to handle a small change shows a lack of being able to adjust for her age level.  She often overreacts to simple things, such as being teased by others.  She is not emotionally mature enough to grasp teasing, and struggles with a level of impulsiveness that causes her to lash out when upset.  This shows a strong immaturity on her part that is possibly due to slower maturity in her brain.  Sadly, many of those around her don't understand that she will outgrow this like all children do, but at a slower rate.  Provoking her seems to be fun for some, and she doesn't understand.  Many other parents aren't very considerate either.

Trying to help my child in all these areas without medication has taken many turns.  I have to be a disciplinarian.  I also have to be a coach and teacher.  I reevaluate what is working and what isn't working often.  I try to instill habits.  I try to get her outside every day, even if it is simply to walk the dog.   I try to give her a learning environment where she can learn at her own pace without a lot of distractions.  Most of the time, she is the distraction for others.

I have taken on the role of coach.  Last summer, every day before play practice, we went over the rules on the drive. They consisted of: no getting angry, no mouthing off, no hitting, ignore the kids that pick fights, be nice, use your manners, do what the adults say, focus, be positive.  She could quote the rules in her sleep, and after a few mishaps at first, I think she improved.  She was one of the younger children, and ADHD made her seem even younger.  I would have insisted she wait until she was older, except she loves performing.  And so, despite the ups and downs, we stuck it out.

At this point, I carefully evaluate the social situations where I allow her to participate.  I find things where there is a time limit, or is more one-on-one, instead of large groups.  I try to be able to supervise, or at least be nearby.   She is around other children, and often plays well with children that are younger than her. One article states that playing with children younger than her is actually a good thing because "friendships with younger kids allow your child to take on a leadership role, a dynamic that peer relationships might not allow for."   Knowing that she will improve as she matures gives me hope.  There are times I have removed her from situations she wasn't not handling well.  I have given her breaks, keeping her out of social situations where she may have had a bad experience.

I have found that giving her experiences that are controllable helps her. One-on-one playtime works great because she doesn't have to adapt to a large group.  Also, we read.  We read ALOT!  Giving her experiences through stories is a magnificent way to help her and teach her about the world because she learns empathy by stepping into the shoes of others.  Not only does she gain all the wonderful benefits of vocabulary and concentration increase, she learns to see other points of view and experience their world from the safety of her couch.

My goals for my daughter might differ from that of other parents.  My methods of helping her definitely differ.  We live in a world where parents are not often supportive of each other.  What one parent does to help their ADHD child may not work with a different child in a different situation.  What I am doing right now may change in a year or two.  One thing I have learned is that I have to take my child's ADHD into consideration often.

I began college classes last winter.  One thing that I noticed is that my ten year old isn't as independent as I assumed she would be, and that has caused a lot of stress.  After two semesters of fighting with her to focus, as well as a whole lot of other considerations, I have realized that going to college full time is not in her or my best interest at this time.  She is ten, but developmentally she is younger.  I would not have considered trying to homeschool full time and go to college full time three years ago, or with any of my children when there were seven or in second or third grade.  And while my daughter is in a higher grade and academically capable, she is not at an age-ten level emotionally or in her attention.  I didn't take that into consideration when I enrolled.  I was overly excited about starting a new adventure, and didn't consider how ADHD would impact that choice... or how my choice would impact my ADHD child.

Having a child with ADHD can make life more challenging at times.  However, ADHD is not the end of the world.  My child is fun and loving and intelligent.  She may overreact and act impulsively at times.  She may waste a lot of time during the day getting sidetracked instead of focusing on her school.  I know I tell her a dozen times a day, "Focus, Megan."

The last thing I want is for my daughter to think there is something wrong with her just because her brain is maturing at a different rate or because she doesn't pick up on certain social clues like other children.  She has nothing to do with the fact that she is ADHD, but so many children are labeled with negative labels.  I want my daughter to grow up assured that God created her special, unique, and loved.  I want her to have worth.  If she feels that she is odd, she might spend her entire life feeling inferior.

Homeschooling has allowed me to tailor how my daughter learns, focusing on her strengths until her weaker areas catch up.  Homeschooling has also allowed my daughter to be somewhat protected from the negative social aspects that come with public school and ADHD children.  She hasn't had to suffer negative side effects from medication. There are times when her ADHD impacts her socially.  That can't be helped.  We take each situation as it comes and, day by day, do our best to make good choices.  That isn't easy.  Some subjects in school will simply always be a little more challenging, but we take a lesson at a time, mastering it before moving on.

And, in all honesty, I can't imagine life without my spunky, spirited, stubborn, beautiful, fun, intelligent daughter.  All the challenges are nothing compared with all that she adds to our lives.  Yes, there are hard days.  The times of joy so outweigh any of the challenges. 

ADHD may mean that things are done differently. That doesn't concern me.  God plans for His people to be set apart.  I see ADHD as practice for all the other areas where we are to make different choices than the rest of the world, to react differently than the rest of the world.  Perhaps, just perhaps, ADHD is a way for God to teach lessons that we might otherwise miss.