But we have lost some of what we had counted on. Who could know we would lose up to a few hundred a month? Who knew the loss would not just be for a few weeks but stretch on and on, month after month?
I struggle in my spirit during some trials. Challenging times in our finances is one of them. I get frustrated when trying to budget and balance and the money isn’t there. I fight fear when I see the bills and know the income barely covers, or doesn’t cover.
The Lord has been doing such incredible things over the last few months, however. I have been so in awe of the things He has done in other areas that, while the concern for finances is still there in my prayers, I can’t separate what God is doing in other areas from finances.
Practically, this impacts our homeschool. It means slowing down on a few things we are working through, supplementing with materials we already have or free materials online, because the finances aren’t there to cover even the few things I need to purchase.
And yet, even here, God has provided. A quick trip to a resale shop... a bag of books for $3... some books that I had on my shelves I had forgotten about... all ways God has provided in just the last few weeks.
Other ways have been provided that I couldn’t have imagined. We had a conference we had signed up to attend, that I knew God wanted us to attend. This conference proved to be pivotal in our family. What God did in that conference in our family was the answer to years of prayers. And yet, the finances weren’t there. Somehow, God provided them. He made a way through His people.
After the conference, I have felt led to fast all but one meal a day... fasting for spiritual breakthrough for our finances and any other areas of strongholds. Finances have always been an area of struggle for our family. We have five children, and while four are now grown, raising five children on one income was so difficult. I could stretch a dollar farther than it seemed possible just to get us through. In recent years, as children moved out and began their own families and lives, finances weren’t as tight. That led to me spending more than I would have considered in the past. I had stopped practicing good stewardship the way I had in the past. This time of less income made me remember that those principles are just as important in the more prosperous times as in the tougher times.
God still provides. Little things have happened. It hasn’t been anything big in our finances yet, but those little things have occurred that bring small provision: a payment reduced, a part of a deposit returned, warmer weather to keep us from having to turn on the heat, a daughter that was able to find employment she loves so she can contribute. Those little things that remind me that God is in the littlest areas.
The fast for financial breakthrough is impacting other areas of life. Relationships are being restored. Old wounds are being healed. My relationship with the Lord is somehow deeper. I feel it’s a time of waiting, of absorbing and preparing. In the past I might have felt a little forgotten, as if the struggle meant that God had abandoned me. But now I feel hidden, not from Him, but by Him. Hidden in Him... sheltered by Him... studying, waiting for finances for the next step, praying like I never have before for His presence to be with me, to guide me, to fill me and my home.
I’m so flawed. I mess up so often. I doubt some days. I cry.
Every night, when the house grows quiet, I attempt to go outside and, in the stillness of the night, spend a dedicated time with Jesus. I like to walk when I pray. And so, I walk around my home, praying as I go. I pray in the Spirit. I sometimes sing quietly. I pour out my heart and gives my cares to the Lord. I am so often reminded of His faithfulness in that time. I feel that protective shelter. My husband fears I am walking a path into the grass, which frustrates his landscaping heart; but this time has become special to me. I’ve always been more of a night owl than a morning bird.
During the day, with a one year old grandson and homeschooling and bouts of insomnia, I don’t have as much available time for prayer. And to be honest, my mind in the morning is focused on what all needs to be accomplished for the day. In the evening, I can focus better.
I still battle trepidation over our finances. I shouldn’t, but I must confess that I do. I keep tithing, keep giving, because I know this may feel like a battle in my life but it is actually a spiritual battle. It is a way for Satan to bring doubt of God’s goodness and provision. It is a way to try to stop ministry. It’s an attempt to derail what God has planned for my family, my children, and me.
Being hidden in Him is a place of safety. Being hidden in Him as we walk by faith and not by sight allows those steps to be taken with quiet anticipation. In fear, I would be tempted to take my own actions, which never goes well, or to give up. I will take being hidden in God over my own great ideas or public platitudes any day.
I want to learn the lessons well. I want to pass the tests and bless the heart of my Father. I want to spend this time, not as a time when I am on an emotional roller coaster of fears and doubts, but a time when I can find Him. Please Lord... pull me ever closer.
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