There's been a circumstance in our lives that, in one way or another, has been going on for years and years. Since becoming a Christian, this is the one area where I have prayed and prayed and don't see improvements or things changing. I don't understand why things happen the way they do. I know God has a plan, but sometimes the pain is overwhelming trying to deal with this circumstance.
I harbor a hope that I wish I didn't have. This hope keeps me thinking and wishing and looking for things to be different. I can't count the number of times I have cried out to God, begging for Him to step into this circumstance, begging Him to bring about a change. He hasn't, not in all these years.
I am tempted to get bitter, to let anger run me over. That would be so easy. With each desperate plea from the depths of my heart, the situation only seems to get worse. I have waited for the miracle that I have secretly dreamed about for all these years, and it hasn't happened.
The last few days of been deep prayer and grief and contemplation. If God is going to answer my prayers in this matter in a way that I wish, He isn't going to do it in my timing. But I wonder if, after all this time, if His answer isn't "no". Either way, I can't keep hoping that God will change things when His plan might be something different, something greater, that I just can't grasp right now.
I don't want to live my life with this situation always in the back of my mind, in my heart, manipulating my feelings. I don't want to feel like it is running the show instead of God. I want His peace.
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT)
Forgiveness doesn't come easy. Whether it is other people, circumstances I deem as unfair, or even God, I know that I have to forgive and find peace. I almost typed happiness, but I've realized that happiness is a choice. God doesn't guarantee happiness, but He does want Holiness, and He does promise peace.
There's a couple quotes from the movie Amish Grace that impact me greatly every time I watch the movie. I hadn't watched the movie for awhile, even though we own it. Then, tonight, in the midst of all my struggles, I pulled it out and played it.
"Forgiveness comes from an open heart, and it comes without condition, or it doesn't come at all."
Isn't that beautiful? We want to think that some things are unforgivable, but Jesus said differently. He forgave His own murderers. I can't forgive without His help though. I have tried, and I have failed miserably.
"It is only when our lives are falling apart that we have a chance to make our faith real."
The part of that quote that says "our lives are falling apart" has felt like me so many times lately that I can't count. I don't think I've done a very good job in the "make our faith real" part though. I've not shown much trust in God or His plan. Instead, I have felt overwhelmed with everything.
I don't know for certain that God has said "no" to the prayers of my heart. But, if He is only saying "wait", then the result is the same. You see, I have to be content with whatever He blesses me with and gives me. I'm not in the name it, claim it crowd. You see, as much as I know that God loves me and even wants to bless me and my family, I don't believe that His blessing always come in the way I expect. If He plans to say "yes" to my prayers, and that answer is down the road somewhere, then I have to assume that He doesn't want me to stop living my life or have the waiting consume my thoughts and world. If He says "no", then the same goes. My life has to be focused on Him and on what He has blessed me with right now.
It's hard. It's hard to place it all in His hands. It feels like giving up. In reality, it is handing over the outcome to my King and not carrying it with me day after day. I know that it will be a daily battle of constantly turning it over to Him, especially as my habit is to pick it up and hash it around in my mind over and over until I am worked up and upset. That isn't peace. That isn't forgiveness. That isn't the will of Christ. That is just torture.
I pray daily for God to keep His hand in this situation. I pray daily for God to protect my loved ones. I have prayed for my wishes and hopes, so I know that God has heard me many times. Now, I am praying for His will to prevail in this situation, even if I don't understand. I am praying for His Glory to shine no matter what I think should happen. I am praying that my actions don't disappoint my Lord. I am praying forgiveness.
God wants holiness. Can I see my circumstances as bringing about that holiness? Can I see the positive and the negative as tools God is using to strengthen me? Can I trust that He has a plan so much greater than mine that I can't even grasp it's fullness? Can I trust that, even when Satan attacks, God still has me in the palm of His hand? Can I accept that His "no"?
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