Unexpected

It hit me fast, like a punch to the stomach.  Last night was my oldest daughter's last night at youth.  She is moving in just a couple days.  Seeing her will not be an easy prospect.  She will be 17 hours away by car.  Near the end of the evening last night my sister comes in with an ice cream cake.  That's when it hit me.

Until that moment I had been busy teaching the younger children.  I knew in my head that it was her last night, but I hadn't let it touch my heart.  Then in comes the ice cream cake.  I wanted to double over with the flood of emotion.  After all these years, was this it? 

We started attending our church not long after my husband and I recommitted our lives to Christ.  Kim, my oldest, was in eighth grade.  Thinking back to the last several years, our lives have centered around God, family, and that church.  Kim has been very much a part of everything we did there.  She jumped in with both feet.  She was an active part of the youth group.  She sang on stage whenever she was given the chance.  She was part of the human video team.  She volunteered nearly every month in our food pantry, reaching out to those less fortunate.  Yes, walking through those doors without her, not seeing her passionately worshiping Christ in the front of the Sanctuary, will be difficult for me.

I never expected this all to be so difficult.  She is nearing twenty and should be independent.  I didn't expect her to go so far away.  I know that she is doing what she feels she has to do.  I will pray for her every day.  I will keep in touch.  Technology makes it not so difficult to keep in touch, even if it is not the same by any stretch of the imagination.  But I will miss her.

She is super talented.  I'll miss hearing her sing along to her music upstairs.  I'll miss her laugh and jokes.  I'm sure I'll even miss all the things that annoy me.  I will miss her snuggling with her baby sis or teasing her other sisters.  I have to let go, this I know.  But I will miss her.

It feels like the end of an era, as if things are changing and will never be the same again.  I am sure that this is the way things are supposed to happen.  This is why we must cherish our moments before they are gone, never to come back again.  I am blessed.  I made a definite decision over ten years ago to stay at home and raise my children.  Long before I knew I would be blessed with another child, long before God led me to homeschooling, I decided to be one of those mothers that was home with my children.  The financial sacrifice has often been difficult, but the rewards in other ways has been overwhelming.

Since my oldest was nine, I have gotten to be here for her. I was at every soccer game.  I took the first day of school pictures every single year. I took her for ice cream on the last day of school. I was with her when she was diagnosed with diabetes.  I was there the day she got the lead in the summer musical.  I was there on opening night.  I was there as she went through her first heartbreak.  I did her hair for her first formal dance.  I drove her to her first "real" job.  I prayed for her when she was in the hospital.  I saw her graduate high school.  I have no regrets that I wasn't here for her or was too busy for her.  Yes, having a large family is time consuming, but I got to be with her as she grew up.

Life will feel very different in a few days.  How long will it take me to remember that I don't have to pick up her medical supplies or diet pop?  How long will it take before I stop asking myself if she needs a ride home from work?  Will I ever listen to the songs we sang together and not want to weep? 

I don't mean to sound dramatic.  No, she isn't dying.  She is just moving.  It might be a little different if she were moving to the next town or even a couple hours away.  Instead, she is moving several states away, and my heart is breaking with the knowledge that I will miss her every single day.

Somehow, though, I have a feeling that she needs to do this.  I have this feeling that, even though some of her upcoming life lessons may be very difficult, she needs to leave and grow and mature.  Some children don't need to go far away to learn to be what God wants or needs them to be.  Some children do, though.  As hard as it is for me as a mom, I also recognize that this time in my daughter's life may be the most important in God's plans for her.  Trusting God to work His plans instead of mine is still challenging sometimes.  Yet, my love for Him is great.  I have to let go and let God have His way.  Even the things I see as negative can be used by God.