I'm not looking to heal all the ills of society. A couple of years ago I set standards for myself about not contributing to the problem, especially on social media. But anger exists apart from the divide in this country. In fact, anger may begin at home.
For years, anger was a part of me. It was the chip on the shoulder, the edge that I presented. It was a part of me, deep inside, that flowed out routinely to damage those around me. After a period of intense stress, that anger literally made me ill. It hurt my relationships with loved ones. It came in between my relationship with God. It definitely damaged my testimony.
Sometimes in life, there are circumstances and situations that are unjust. They can cause anger, because that is a normal reaction to injustice. But, when those situations persist over an extended period of time, anger becomes a defense mechanism to every perceived wrong. It becomes a habit, especially when it is used to control and manipulate others.
As an angry mom, I was a mess. I loved my children fiercely, but I was exhausted much of the time. That alone leads to emotional messes because being tired makes it difficult to be logical. But the problem went much deeper than exhaustion. I had been hurt. In that hurt, I lashed out often. I was overwhelmed, especially when circumstances were out of control and hard and I had too much on my plate. I went through some things that brought out the worst in me, that left me feeling powerless and defeated and angry at the world. It is very important that, when you go through tough times, you don't let yourself be damaged. The tough time will never really go away if you carry the damage forward into other parts of your life, including your parenting.
Anger stems from many sources. Yes, there is ego and pride. Anger can also stem from depression and anxiety. I was depressed, and anger gave me a feeling of control in situations that were out of control. The flood of adrenaline can be addicting when battling anxiety or depression. It was created for extreme fight or flight scenarios, but over time it makes a person physically ill.
As an angry mom, I would use anger to manipulate and control. My children didn't want mom to be mad. They felt as if they had failed, over and over, because Mom was always angry or upset about something. One time my oldest daughter told me that, because of my anger over a situation that seemed to never end and took such an emotional toll, that she had lost her mom because of it. It was a shock to my system because I was just trying to survive at the time. I felt that I had failed as a parent, that I had let my anger and emotional upheaval over the situation damage the rest of my life.
There are as many reasons for a mom to be angry as minutes in the day. Maybe the mom is resentful because she feels as if her children are keeping her from the life she wants. Maybe she has too much on her plate and is overwhelmed. Maybe she has chosen to have too much, and the pace has taken a toll. Maybe life has placed her smack-dab in the middle of a situation that she isn't prepared to handle. Maybe her priorities are screwed up and she is angry that her wants and dreams are not coming to fruition the way she wanted. Maybe she has been through a difficult time and needs more support. Maybe she doesn't hold motherhood as valuable. Maybe she expects her children to be little adults, instead of children that make mistakes. Maybe she feels entitled, and is resentful that she isn't getting all she wants. Maybe she is battling health issues. Maybe she craves attention and validation, and her children can't give her that. Maybe she is simply immature. Maybe she is selfish.
Maybe she feels it is her way or nothing. This is bully parenting and is different from discipline. This is about being authoritarian and not authoritative There is a difference. Elizabeth J. Short, PhD, associate director of the Schubert Center at Case Western Reserve University, says this, "Authoritative parents set clear expectations and can be hard on their kids. But they do it out of warmness and concern for a child’s betterment, whereas authoritarian parents say, "It’s my way or the highway." Authoritarian parents, Strong says, are "controlling and not warm. An authoritative parent is age-appropriately controlling and also warm."
Greg McKeown states in his book Essentialism, "I can do anything, but not everything." Being a mother means that life has to be somewhat about family and the children. That doesn't mean that a mom can't have anything for herself, but it does mean that her life has different priorities and focus. Dreams that require total dedication might have to be put on hold or be a hobby for awhile. One thing that children require is time. If you can't give time to your children, don't become a mommy. We don't need any more children in the world that feel as if they don't matter. This doesn't mean making an idol out of our children, or ignoring responsibilities, but it does mean that your journey is no longer just about you.
Life has seasons. There will be seasons of motherhood, and seasons when the children are grown and you can focus on different dreams. Embrace motherhood. If you are angry because you feel your children are taking time from other things, then it is time to grow up. Life is not just about you. And you are denying yourself of one of the most fulfilling roles in life because it isn't what you imagined it would be.
Let me say a word about discipline. There is nothing wrong with disciplining your child. Children need structure and boundaries and to be taught what is and isn't acceptable. However, parenting is about balance. If all that exists in your relationship with your children is discipline, expect a deteriorating situation. If your children are dealing with discipline from anger, then they will eventually be broken and/or rebellious. The Bible talks about turning the hearts of fathers to their children, and that means more than just showing them who is boss and punishing every misdeed. God is a righteous judge, but He sent Jesus to take our punishment. If we were punished for every mistake and every thing we did wrong, we would not be alive. Jesus took our punishment and patiently guides us. There is grace and mercy available to us and there should be for our children as well. Balance punishment with love and patience and teaching and time and attention and bonding and making memories. Our anger wants to make parenting about punishment, but when we consider Jesus, we have to realize that if He had dealt with us in anger, He wouldn't have died for us.
So, what does an angry mom teach her children?
An angry mom teaches her children that they are never enough. No matter how hard they work to try to please a parent, that parent is never satisfied or is only temporarily content... until they aren't. An angry parent is never satisfied for long because they are continually looking for the faults, the flaws, and the mistakes. Eventually a child will become either discouraged and depressed with no self-esteem, or they will rebel and stop trying to please an impossible parent.
An angry mom teaches her children to always be on guard, walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosive moment. Children with angry parents have been known to suffer PTSD, because they live continually in an uncertain environment where they never know what will happen. They live afraid. Eventually they will develop anger issues of their own or they will become a people-pleaser, trying to win the approval of others because they never got it at home.
An angry mom teaches her children to use emotion to manipulate others. That is what the parent does, and a child will imitate the behavior with others in their lives.
An angry mom teaches her child that they aren't truly loved because everything is about the parent. A child that feels as if they don't matter, or that every show of attention comes with a high price, will be more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, anger in themselves, and low-self-esteem.
An angry mom teaches her children to lie. Any mistake the child makes is a cause for fear of reprisal. So, the child will become secretive and lie to hide any mistakes because they know that if their angry mom (or dad) finds out, it will cause an unreasonable punishment. Angry moms give unreasonable punishments, often humiliating the child or using physical and verbal abuse, because it is a measure of control.
Speaking of verbal abuse, an angry mom teaches her child that they have little value. Continually calling them names, from ones like "jerk" to ones that are basically curse words, is abuse. Degrading and belittling them is wrong. It is telling your child that they aren't worth much. Children believe what they are told. Tell a child how horrible they are often enough and they will believe it and live it.
Angry moms teach their child to be angry. Patterns are repeated generationally. It can even become a family legacy. When you find angry moms, you will often find an angry grandmother and maybe an angry great-grandmother or father or grandfather. Anger is one of those things that becomes a habit, a way to deal with life. With the amount of anger in the world, it seems as if we have a lot of angry parents in the world.
There are times when I still fight anger. Times in my life where I am being simply pummeled by demands or times when life feels crazy are times when I am most vulnerable. I am learning to give myself a break and take the time for rest when needed. Life is getting a little less complicated as my children get older and become adults. Also, I know when I need, I can take the time to write or go for a walk or escape in a book. I might find a friend to talk to that will give me good advice and positive encouragement.
Learning about my personality was very helpful. I am not shy, so I had always assumed I was an extrovert. As it turns out, I am an introvert, and I need my time to myself. I need time to write and read and be alone with my thoughts and prayers. This is how I recharge. When I had a house full of young children, there was little time to recharge. I was always surrounded by people. I didn't have a lot of quiet. I would stay up really late to have time alone, but then I would be exhausted. Having time to myself, and time with God, is vital for me to let go of stress and help manage my emotions. It gives me time to hand all the worries and struggles to Jesus, instead of thinking I have to fix everything or everyone.
This is key for me: I avoid others that are negative and angry. I am very sensitive to moods and attitudes. I think some people should have warning labels saying "Prolonged exposure can be detrimental to to your health." I don't want to live angry any longer, and that means that I have to be extremely careful what and who I allow to influence me. I listen to podcasts of other people that choose to be positive. I gain a lot of perspective from those that have fought the battle of anger and come out on the other side. Avoiding long-term exposure to people that are negative is key. I can't avoid negative people all together, but I can limit my time with them. I used to think that I could fix them by being positive around them. It doesn't work. I have learned that if a negative, angry person doesn't see that they are negative and angry, or doesn't care, they won't be as influenced by you as you hope and they will drag you down at the earliest possibility.
There is a saying that goes around that dismisses the problems anger can cause when parenting. "We are all just doing the best we can." It's crap. Parenting is hard, I agree. Yes, there are many doing the best they can with limited resources and energy. But others aren't doing the best they can. They are doing the best they want, and there is a big difference. If you feel entitled to your anger, then you will do the best you want. If you don't see it as a problem and, in fact, get a little high out of using your anger to manipulate and control, you are doing the best you want, not the best you can.
My mothering has changed. I still have areas of struggle, but for the most part, I physically get ill when I allow anger to course through me. I have worked diligently to have strong bonds and healthy relationships with my children. I'm not perfect and neither are they, but we love each other. I pray that the anger issues I fought won't have passed on to my children. They are smarter than me, though, and hopefully will not follow in my footsteps.
If you are an angry mom, it is time to face it and not make excuses. It is time to make some changes to how you parent, to how you see your children, to your attitude, and to your habits and reactions. Seek help if necessary. You can change the course of your life and the lives of your children by choosing a different path.
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