When People Tell You Who They Are...

Words matter. Sometimes I catch glimpses into what people really think, how they really feel, just by listening. 

"When people tell you who they are, believe them."  Maya Angelo

It always comes as a shock to me when someone that I have loved and been supportive of, defended against others, been there for whenever they need me, decides to treat me disrespectfully.  What's even worse is, often, after being lamblasted with words, that same person will then asks for favors and acts as if nothing is wrong. 

I deal with the rejection when I am the one this person calls for help, but not the person invited for fun.  It feels a bit high schoolish to feel rejected, so I set it aside the next time the phone rings or the text comes asking for another favor.  Despite being told by others around me that I am being used, I soldier on, pretending that I really do matter to this person, even defending them.

Then the day arrives when reality hits.  The harsh comments about what you have given yourself to for eight years repeat in your head and heart.  You realize that no matter how passionately you have pursued something you love, learning everything you can about it, you haven't earned respect from others.  You would never dream of approaching things they love and criticizing them, because your job is to love them and be supportive. Even more, you realize that you never will earn their respect, because your value to them is in what you do for them, not who you are.

And so, dreams die.  Maybe you won't give up on what you are passionate about, but you feel you can't share the joy of it with others either. The dream that dies is the one you held of having a close relationship.  When others see your joy as against them somehow, and are overtly critical, it changes everything. 

Too many in this world feel that if they disagree with you, they must tell you all the reasons that you are wrong and they are right, even if it means hurting you or damaging the relationship.  And while sometimes speaking the truth is important, most of the time the only result is hurt. 

I have learned the difference in being "needed" and "valued."  When you are needed, you are a service, a commodity that can be traded or cast aside when not needed.  When you are valued, who you are matters.  Your dreams matter.  What is valued is treated respectfully and  considerately. Even if you don't feel the same way about something, people matter more than being right.  

Life goes on.  I don't trust as easily. I pull away in an attempt to protect myself.  I run to God and ask Him to help heal me. I realize boundaries are a good thing.  I realize that some people have told me who they are in many ways, and I should have believed them.