The above was a quote from a book my grandmother wrote about her life as a child. Below is a picture of my grandmother with her parents, baby brother, and older sister.
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| My Grandmother (front left) & her parents & siblings |
I love reading my Grandma's book. I am working on typing it all onto a blog for my family. However, I always love reading old stories of people. To me, that is history. The ordinary people, living their lives, are the ones that interest me. My great-grandparents were evangelists and pastors. My great-grandfather, like many pastors today, worked a "secular" job because being a pastor didn't pay the bills very well. My great-grandparents were just beginning their family when this photo was taken. They ended up having a few more children over the years.
Hearing my Grandma Barbara describe her parents' attire and how they felt about their appearance touched me. You see, no one would have accused them of being vain. They just had a level of pride in their appearance, no matter how much or little they had. Times were different. When I think about how people dress now, I wonder if we have lost something vital.
Now, there are exceptions. In general, the pictures above paint a generalization to illustrate my point. There are people today that don't dress casual all the time. I'm not even saying that dressing casually is wrong. I just wonder what was the different mindset at the time.
What were people thinking as they donned suits or dresses with matching hats versus jeans and a blazer or sweatshirt? This is what intrigues me.
I love summer. In the summer I can wear dresses or skirts much more often and no one says much about it (at least to me). I love it! You see, I was the tomboy as a child. I was the one doing flips in the front yard and climbing trees. I didn't dress very "girly" as a child. I definitely only dressed up occasionally. What I never expected was to discover that I love feeling feminine and dressing that way.
And yet, I am careful. Maybe I care too much what others think or say about me, but I purposely will wear capris just so people don't talk about me wearing skirts all the time. I can't explain to them that I don't share their background, their point of view.
One lady at church told me that she was forced to wear dresses all the time as a child. She hated it. She would go outside to play, and would be flipping in the yard or climbing trees, and her underwear would be showing. Then her mother would yell at her. I can only wonder why no one thought to put on some shorts under that dress. But again, I didn't have that experience because I was rarely in a dress as a child.
Women in church are pretty opinionated about this topic. Many older women, including my mother, were in church during some very legalistic times. Women were told they HAD to wear dresses or skirts. Many looked at others disdainfully if they didn't dress this way. Many women were chased away from the Lord because they came to church in pants and were rejected, sometimes even told they couldn't come to the church service dressed like that.
Again, I don't understand this. I wasn't raised in the church when this was happening. I can't imagine chasing a soul away from the Lord over a pair of hotpants. I can understand Christian women dressing modestly, but I would not expect unsaved women to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit for inappropriate clothing. I know it is a process that occurs in the heart long before it occurs in the clothes.
What I don't understand is why a woman that loves to dress modestly and femininely is ridiculed and called a legalist. I don't feel that a woman wearing pants is going to hell. I wear pants! But I have fallen in love with wearing skirts and dressing in a feminine manner. What is wrong with that?
Let me be clear here. I am a romantic. I think the feminine dress of the past was often very beautiful. I spent years of my life being the tomboy, wearing nothing but jeans, and rarely ever dressing 'up'. I didn't get it! And... that's okay. I would have rejected dressing nicely in dresses and skirts back then because God wasn't in my life. My views of dressing femininely were negative, not from personal experience, but from how I was raised and the opinions of those around me.
Dressing more feminine is something the Lord has brought me to. He hasn't brought me here so that I can feel more spiritual when I am wearing a skirt or dress. Quite the opposite. I have spent the majority of my life as kind of a rough, tough, independent woman. I felt I had to be the man and woman of my house after coming from a bad relationship that was emotionally and verbally abusive. I was mouthy. I was difficult. I was angry.
After getting out of that tough situation, I met Dj. He is a humble man, quiet and mellow. He is an amazing father. Yeah... I ran him over easily with my anger and determination to run the show. We married, but it was tough at times. It has taken many years as a Christian, something that didn't happen until after we were married for six years, before I even grasped what true Biblical respect is. It is still tough for me to step back.
Clothes don't change any of those things unless first the heart is touched, and mine has been over the years. I discovered, however, that as I felt more feminine, the rough edges in me were smoothed. It's seriously a mindset that dressing femininely and modestly helps encourage. I found out that dressing femininely made me feel more gentle, more vulnerable, and more peaceful. I felt soft and pretty instead of angry and ready to fight. I was surprised that I wasn't afraid of feeling like the weaker sex. I thought at least I would feel awkward and uncomfortable. Instead, when I dress femininely, I feel natural and right.
I understand that abuses happened... in marriages, in churches. I understand that culture has changed. What I don't understand is why it matters all that much what I wear if I am dressing inappropriately.
But, sadly, when a women begins dressing more femininely, and (gasp) puts on a skirt a few times a week, she had better be required to for her job or something is wrong. She's apparently accepted backwards values from a sexist society and shunned all feminist progress. If she is a Christian, then she MUST be becoming a legalist.
What?!
And so, I have played around for a couple of years, wearing skirts occasionally, looking for reasons to dress nicely. Going to church? Going on a date with the hubby? Yay... I can put on a skirt and not get looks or that question, "Whatcha dressed up for?"
I've been experimenting, wearing skirts for no reason at all, but just because I love them. (I love dresses too, but my body shape makes it hard to find ones that fit the way I like.) I am noticing the reactions of others. I haven't told anyone that I am doing this as an "experiment", or that would invalidate their reactions. I am even trying to take note of how my husband responds. You see, feeling more feminine has impacted my marriage already. It's hard to explain, but instead of fighting each other, we complement each other. It has nothing to do with one being over the other... just complementary and more intimate.
It is sad that I fear rejection from others like I do; But, as a woman that is not as young and petite as I used to be, I am sensitive about these issues. In fact, my weight, which increased with health issues and age, has made me very self-conscious. I had always been thin for most of my life. But even the thinner me was rarely feminine. But, as a woman gains weight, she will often dress down because she doesn't want to attract attention to herself. I dressed sloppy, in jeans and t-shirts, because I didn't want to be noticed. I wore the biggest shirts I could find to hide the belly and larger breasts that didn't go away after my last baby as they always had before. But then I would cry because I felt to ugly! When I dress feminine, despite the extra weight that seems to not want to leave, I feel pretty. When a woman gains weight, jeans don't fit like they used to. I gained weight in my belly. Suddenly my jeans felt like they were cutting me in half. So, I bought the ones that stretch a little at the waist. They stretch because of the spandex-like material in them. But, while they may stretch for my waist, they looked painted on my rear. I hated it. And with breasts that increased dramatically after my last pregnancy, big t-shirts seemed to disguise them a bit. It was bummy and not very attractive. Instead of wanting to work on my appearance, those bummy clothes made me want to be lazy. In fact, I spent a couple of winters in sweats most of the time because they were comfier than jeans. My motivation for anything went down a lot. My entire life was affected. My attitude was poor. I didn't want to intimate with my husband because I didn't feel very pretty or feminine.
Can clothes change all of that? Yes... sorta.
I want to be feminine, but not look like a grown woman playing dress up. I am experimenting to see how I feel when I dress up a lot more; and I am observing those around me for their reactions. So far, the only reaction has been from my middle daughter, fearing that I will make her wear dresses all the time. She has grown considerably in the last six months, basically maturing from a girl to a young woman. None of her clothes fit! She has grown several inches and, thanks to puberty, gotten a little curvy. We have had multiple discussions about modesty as we have shopped resale shops for clothes. It's been difficult, since many modern teen styles are anything but modest. Jeans are fine, but not skinny jeans. Shorts are fine, but they must be longer. No Short-shorts. Looser tops without low V-necks. Yep... she is frustrated attempting to find clothes that fit nicely and flatter her body that she is still adjusting to. She sees how other girls her age dress, and she feels like she doesn't fit in.
If my dressing more femininely will model anything for her in a positive way, then I am praying the Lord uses this.
I am in my early forties. It seems stupid to be concerned about some of these issues at my age. And yet, I have only been a Christian for a few years. God has had to deal with me about these issues slowly, especially since the church doesn't discuss femininity and modesty much... if ever. (Gotta be honest. No one talks about it because the fear is that legalism will rear her prideful head.)
There are many wonderful blogs and articles written by women that have walked this path before me. Many of these stories are written by Christian women that feel led by God to dress a certain way. However, I have also read stories from non-Christian women that are dressing in more feminine attire simply because they want to explore that feminine nature that is in them. I am encouraged by women from all walks of life discovering how wonderful it is to be feminine. For a long time I held the belief that being feminine was equal to being a slave or a doormat. Instead, it is freeing and liberating. Hmmm... something to ponder and pray over as I continue with my little experiment.
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