Being Honest with God

I yelled at God today.  

I do that occasionally, when I'm overwhelmed with such heavy burdens that I can't carry them. 

Don't worry.  He's God.  He can take it.  Not only that, but He isn't surprised by me. 

Things are really hard right now.  It takes everything to get through the days. 

My prayers seem unheard, unanswered.  

And yet, even in the midst of frustration, anger, and total helplessness, He is there. 

Maybe one day I'll understand. 

Maybe one day I'll be healed from the wounds of loss, the scars of injustice.

Until that day, I just keep breathing. 

I'll keep praying

 . 

I'll keep trusting a Savior, even when in the physical, it's difficult to see Him working ALL things for good.  

Oh... I want to lash out.  My reverential fear of the Lord is battling hard with my carnal nature.  

I breathe.  I cry.  I just want to feel safe.  Fears of an unknown future assault my senses.  Why?  I was obedient, and still my world is upside down.  

People say, "It'll be okay."

Oh I long to believe them. But... It doesn't feel okay.  It feels lonely and scary and heavy.  

"Lord, please help." I cry out. 

I miss Him almost immediately, that presence of the Holy Spirit that brings peace.  And so, I repent.  I pray.  I tremble at the unknown, but know that a future in the Lord's hands is not as scary as living without Him. 

So... Despite the fact that all seems against us.  Despite the fact that I can only take my life moment by moment right now, clinging to Him with clutched fists because I know my very life depends on Him, I pray He doesn't leave me forsaken.