I always dreamed of having a home of my own. I wanted roots and permanency. I wanted to have a place that didn't belong to a landlord. I wanted to be able to paint the walls whatever color I desired, and to make lasting memories. I longed for it deeply.
Then, I finally got it. My husband and I bought our very first home eight years ago. The first couple of years owning the home was interesting; Holidays in our new home, Fixing up our new home. The house is over 100 years old, so it definitely needed some work. It was a joy for us, even though my husband has never really taken a liking to carpentry work. I even took the money I inherited from my grandmother, though it wasn't much, and bought drywall.
Then, the economy tanked. My husband was laid off. All the work on our home came to a sudden and complete stop. Suddenly the things that needed fixed didn't seem like an adventure any longer, but a burden. The plumbing kept messing up. The payments were difficult to maintain on unemployment.
Gas prices shot up to double what they had been. Living twenty minutes from my family and all the stores was no big deal when it cost me five bucks to get there. When the priced jumped to ten and now nearly twelve dollars per trip, it suddenly was expensive to make more than a trip or two per week. I had another baby, and everything cost more than I had dreamed. My friends and family quit visiting me because most of them couldn't afford to come often.
What started as my dream being fulfilled, over the last few years, sometimes has felt like a prison. I realized the other day that I needed to get my mind straight and start praying. God has allowed us to keep this home, when all around us the banks were foreclosing on houses and they were sitting empty. Many times over the last few years, we almost lost our home. We would get behind, and then have thousands to catch up on at tax time.
My husband found work at his old job for a lot less pay. We hung on. Now, after all of these years, he's still not making nearly what he was. However, we keep holding on. I ask God 'Why" often. Why are we in this little town, with no store? Why are we still in this house that needs work we can't afford to complete?
God finally told me last night to quit asking why, and to regain my dream. You see, I had my prayer granted, a prayer I prayed before I truly came to Christ. I got to have a home. I have raised my children in this home for eight years. I found Jesus in this home. My husband and I have been through so many trials in this home, and yet we still have the home.
The home is over 100 years old. It's a cinder-block two-story home. I often think of all the decades this home stood, standing firm, through all of history's trials. This house, built in 1908, has survived two World Wars. It survived the Great Depression. It survived the ups and downs of the previous owners. I has survived our family with our five daughters, all their friends, and our pets. I stands still... and I don't want it to be a prison.
I became a stay-at-home mom over twelve years ago. Way back then, with only four daughters, I chose to stay home because the cost of childcare was often more than my paychecks. My oldest was only eight at the time. Time may have passed, but I still remember being a working mother. I remember how my heart would ache as I dropped off a sobbing child with a sitter. I remember the longing I would feel to grab my child, hold her in my arms, and take her back home. I remember how I missed my little ones while I was waiting on customers. I remember thinking that the whole career thing wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I had been told when I was younger. Oh, there were perks, but they seemed so shallow compared to precious time with my children.
On the other hand, I often felt depressed as a stay at home mom. Honestly, I was often treated like I was sitting on the couch, eating bonbons and watching television all day. And, some days I did. Other days I would take my children to the park, and feel utterly alone, craving adult conversation. My family wasn't around back in the 90s as I often lived out of state in that military lifestyle. Most of my friends worked, and the support for stay at home moms just wasn't there.
When I chose to stay home full time twelve years ago, I wanted to create a home, even in that small apartment where we were living. I put a lot of energy into giving my children a home. I put a lot of time and attention into making memories. We had the most fantastic birthdays and holiday celebrations. The kids were still young, so we spent a lot of time doing whatever we could that was cheap. Not working meant very few activities could cost a lot of money, but we did the best with what we had. While I don't regret those times, I know now that even those times were lacking. It all seemed shallow without Christ spreading His love in our adventures. In fact, I let many of those activities and my children become idols.
Now, after the years of struggling, after two of my children are now grown, after finding Christ and knowing the fullness of His love, I have in my heart again the longing to create a home. My questions still haven't been answered, but I can only do the best I can. I have been called to homeschool my younger children. I have been called to pray for and with my children. I have been called to create a home for my family, a sanctuary for them to feel love, create memories, and learn about Christ and the world.
Many years ago, owning a home was something that meant so much. People bought their homes for a lifetime, not for a few years. Homes were where memories were made and stored. Families longed for home ownership, and would stick it out through the tough times. Families didn't get rid of an older home just to have bigger and newer. Bigger and newer weren't always better. Children may have had to share bedrooms, but they formed bonds with their siblings that are a lot more rare today. It wasn't about having a bunch of stuff, but about being together, working together, laughing together, and worshiping together.
My 100 year old home is what it is. There are many projects that need completed, and little finances to fund them. And yet, there are tons of memories in this old home. We may not be a traveling family having world adventures. We may not be rich in money. We may not have the newest or the prettiest. Our vacations may be spent visiting family nearby or playing in the hose. I am determined to enjoy the blessings God has given me anyway. I am determined to make the best of whatever situation I find myself, being content with the love around me and the people that make a house a home.
No comments:
Post a Comment