My Testimony - Time to share

There is such a cry today for something more... something of meaning. I see it everywhere in the way people use so many other things other than God to fill their lives. I decided to share my testimony on this blog so others can see that I was not always a Christian. I lived a life where I thought I was a good person. Isn't that the goal of most people? As long as they feel they are good people they feel they are going to heaven.
I always envy those that have been Christians since they were small children. However, that is not my story. I carried so much hurt and pain and anger. I grew up in church off and on. I had a wonderful Grandmother that would take me to Sunday School and Children's Church when I was little. It didn't really have much of an impact on me until I was a teen. At fourteen I asked God into my heart, was saved and baptized. I was pretty intense about it for a while. I was looking to fill a void and just knew God could fill it for me. Wouldn't it be nice if I would have stayed on that path? I would have too if I had looked at God as a Father and a Lord and not a genie. However, Father and Lord were two terms I didn't understand. I didn't truly understand Lord as I live in a democracy, and my Father had disappeared from my life already. I got angry at God for things I felt he was allowing to happen. My childhood was difficult and I felt having God in my life should make the circumstances that I couldn't control all magically better. When that didn't happen I gave up and turned away at 15, just a year after I thought I would follow Jesus forever. I held on to that anger for many years.
I built a life that was based on what I thought would make me happy. And I was happy at times. I got pregnant while in college. The father was my High School sweetheart. I had a daughter, and then married her father. He joined the military. I moved away from my family to be with him. Less than two years after our first daughter was born we had another daughter.
I traveled the country for awhile with my military husband. At first it was such an adventure. I grew up in Indiana for the most part. I had lived near Virginia Beach for awhile as a teen and had already developed a desire to see new places and people. I totally fell in love with the places where we lived and visited as a military family. I loved the Pacific Ocean, the mountains in West, the beauty of the South. Turning to God never even occured to me. I built my life around my children, the jobs I held, and my husband.
Then came deployments. I was alone in a large city, working all the time, with two little girls. I didn't handle things well. My family was 2000 miles away. I was stressed. I moved back home to be near my family while my husband was deployed overseas. Problems in the marriage began.
After 18 months my husband was back. I made the decision to move with him out of state for his next station. I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to be a good wife and mother. So, we moved to upstate New York. There we stayed for two years. I was miserable. It seemed like I couldn't get things to go right in my marriage. I became lonely and angry and very depressed.
The marriage fell apart. My husband wanted a divorce. I was so lost and grieving. There was a point where a friend took me to church with her. I heard the words of the minister. Ironically, they seemed to cut right to my heart. I don't remember the exact message, just that it seemed the message was aimed right at me and my situation. Later, I kind of pushed it to the back of my heart. It was years later that I realized God was trying to reach me even then.
I moved home once again and began rebuilding my life. Again my criteria was what I thought would make me happy. I worked, dated occasionally and raised my girls alone. It was a difficult life as I often wouldn't get child support. The divorce left me feeling like a failure. Anyone who is or has been a single mother knows that the challenges can be rough.
Then I met a wonderful man named DJ. We quickly became friends. We grew close. A few months later we married. Now, I can see how it all happened so quickly, but it all felt so right. I hadn't talked to God in a long time, yet I knew God had sent me this man. You see, I never questioned whether God existed. I just didn't think he loved me. I thought he had turned away from me at times when I needed him most. I didn't see his blessings.
DJ was a single father raising a little girl. With my two added we had three girls. Then, we had a daughter together. That made four girls. It was quite a time with four little girls.
DJ was raised in church. He went off and on until his teen years also. We started attending the church his parents attended. We went together for awhile. It was interesting and nice, but it didn't really touch my heart. Some of my anger toward God had cooled, but I wasn't hungry or thirsty yet. I definitely wasn't ready for any changes in my life. I wanted my girls to go and make their own choices, but I was cold. Eventually, we stopped going to church completely. It was just too easy to make excuses for not going. We continued with life. Family was my main focus.
My anger inside began to grow again as we faced dealing with exes, a custody battle for my step-daughter and all the challenges of a blended family. I could always justify my anger and shift the blame.
Then, a few years ago my family went through a crisis situation with one of our children. It devastated me. I had already dealt with my oldest being diagnosed as a juvenile diabetic. Now, this situation involved some deep issues. The anger that I'd held for so long just erupted. I didn't deal well. DJ and I fought all the time. I wanted to leave my marriage and start over like I had done before. But pride made me not want to fail again. I looked at my children and realized that they would be ruined.
In this crisis my husband reached out to his father, an Associate Pastor and His brother, a born again Christian. He began to go to church once again. He would invite me, but I refused to go. Then DJ committed his life to Christ.
DJ is a very mellow, quiet man. He was different, but it was subtle. He never preached at me. I would have rebelled at being preached at. He just loved me, even when I was very unlovable. His calm actually made me angrier at first. But I could see the joy in his eyes. I wanted what he had, but I knew things had to change in order for me to get it. I didn't want to change. I liked my anger. I felt that it protected me from others that would hurt me or use me. And I had been around hypocritical Christians. I didn't want to be fake or phony. I usually rolled my eyes at those people.
I was drawn to what DJ had in his life. DJ talked about developing a relationship with Jesus. I knew that as a teen I had wanted to love God, but I hadn't really developed a relationship. I just wanted what he could do for me. I didn't love him for what he had already done for me. This time I wasn't a naive teen. However, I was still looking to fill a void. I needed direction. I needed to feel peace. I needed truth amonst all the lies people were telling me and that I had lived. I needed someone and something I could turn to that I could count on to be there for me and accept me. I knew my decision, once made, would change my life. I didn't take it lightly.
I was curious enough that I wanted to try church once again. DJ let me pick where, and we went. Walking through those doors was so hard. But this time I wasn't cold. I felt moved and scared and was so tired of the pain and anger.
That Sunday the church had a special speaker. I thank God to this day that he was there. He was a young man who talked about his life. His testimony blew me away. Former drug addict and street punk that turned to Christ. Eventually he was called to be a Pastor. He had dealt with a rough life too, and it was far worse than anything I had lived. The cold and anger all broke in me and I cried for at least half the service. I couldn't bring myself to give my heart that day to Jesus in front of strangers, but I knew deep down that my heart, soul, mind, and entire world was changed somehow.
I knew all about Jesus, but unlike when I was a teenager, this time I felt that he loved me unconditionally. It took a few weeks. I read and researched all I could on Jesus. I debated back and forth in my mind about what I needed. The day came when I knew a choice had to be made, and not just one that was based on my circumstances, but a forever decision. I knew I'd have friends and family that wouldn't understand. I knew that I was facing scary, unknown changes. But I was so tired of being angry, bitter, resentful and sad. I couldn't put it off any longer. I needed Jesus, plain and simple. Trembling, I knelt down one night when I was alone and poured out my pain and hurt to Jesus and accepted him into my life. I started a real relationship. It wasn't religion or church. It was just Jesus.
That day was awhile back. Things didn't miraculously become perfect and wonderful. The crisis situation didn't resolve itself right away. I still have some of the same challenges in many areas. The biggest changes have been inside of me. I can't even begin to tell of what Jesus has done to my heart and mind. It's freedom like no other. He's my best friend now. I love him and trust him. He first loved me so much that he laid down his life.
This past year, 2008, was such a difficult year. That same crisis that God used to draw me to him resurfaced. I wish I could say that this time I sailed through, but I didn't. I struggled once again. The stuggles weren't as long-lasting as last time, but they were there. I wish I could say that I didn't get angry and had this wonderful faith. But for a couple weeks, my faith was tested and I didn't react well all the time. However, my faith was there. God was there.
This past year has been filled with challenges and problems and issues and loss. Through it all, God has been there. Sometimes I can only cry out for His peace and mercy. Other times I am amazed at the blessings. And then God threw in this whole Homeschool thing. LOL.
My husband and I are both in love with Jesus now. Our circumstances are tough, but we have grown and learned so much about Him and ourselves this year. We grieve the loss of DJ's beloved father, but rejoice in the knowledge that he is with Christ right now. Our finances are not great, but we have seen miracles happen that showed us God will meet our needs. And best of all I feel like he is guiding me and leading me into new areas, new adventures, and a closer walk with Him.