Finding Contentment

My house is chaotic most days.  It is very full.  From the toddler to the college student, I usually have many around.  Lately my older girls have been gone here and there.  Kim, my oldest, was just gone for a weekend to go to a wedding with friends.  One evening Laura spent the night with the little neighbor girl.  That left a very quiet home with only Megan.

Tasha and Megan last winter

It dawned on me that my chaotic home is only temporary.  I realized that some quiet time is nice, but a lot of it will take a LOT of getting used to.  I can't remember a time when my home wasn't full.  For many years I have had at least four daughters.  Then, three years ago four became five.  Now, with my oldest being nineteen, I wonder how many chaotic days are left.  How long before God moves her on with His plans for her?  How long before both my older girls are married with children?  I want to laugh because they both say that is a long time away.  A long time is only a few brief years, and they go quickly.

The older four girls when they were yonger

It makes it easier to find contentment when you realize that time with our children while they are still children is fleeting.  It makes me glad God has blessed me with so much.  I have the beautiful children He has given me.  I have an amazing husband.  I have a home.

I sometimes get discouraged.  I think about how different things would be if I worked outside the home.  I think about how easier it would be financially (Or would it?).  I think about how very different other people live, even those around me.  The kids go to school. The women have jobs.  The families can afford to do such luxurious things as go out to eat or visit an amusement park or take vacations.  That isn't the case for us much of the time.  It is easy to start to feel discontent.

Kim and Tasha, my first babies

Then I remember my working mom days.  I remember coming home at 2 or 3 in the afternoon (when I was lucky enough to finally work a day job) and be totally exhausted.  I remember falling asleep on the couch, and my kids waking me up when they walked through the door after school.  I remember being short tempered because I had just had a LONG day at work.  I remember feeling guilty as I left my infant with a babysitter that I knew wasn't the best, but was who I could afford.  I remember missing my baby so much at work that I would have her wallet picture in my pocket.  When I had a slow moment, I would look at her picture and try to figure out how I could stay home with her.  I remember doing this for both of my older girls, and then Laura.  I remember bonding with my step-daughter, and wishing I could spend more time with her. 

A custody battle isn't usually a blessing.  For us,  it was a long, drawn-out process that ended up with a shared custody plan.  However, our lawyer suggested something that I am so thankful for.  He told my husband that, if I were to stay home and not work, we not only would get more time with his daughter because someone was home, but I could babysit her if the mom was working instead of having to pay someone else. 

Financially, we knew it would be tough.  We had no clue at the time just how tough it would be at times... or even still.  We took a leap of faith and I quit my job just before Christmas.  Laura was nine months old.  Oh, God provided for us.  I babysat for awhile, which helped.  I LOVED being with my daughter. I had never been able to stay home with any of my girls while they were still that young. 

Mommy and Laura on an adventure

Laura and I had so many adventures.  When the weather was nice, I put her in her stroller, and off we would go.  The park, the store, running errands, we had such a good time together.  Even when we stayed home, we had fun.  I would read to her and we would play toys.  Why I was ever deceived into thinking that my daughter needed preschool I don't know.  Her teacher was wonderful, but Laura would cry.  She was so shy.  Going to school never helped her shyness.  You know what did?  Being homeschooled!

Tasha and Laura celebrating New Years

Things seemed very simple when the children were small.  I know that, looking back, I may be simplifying everything and forgetting the tough times.  I don't remember if I was content or not.  I wasn't a Christian, so I didn't make it my goal to even find contentment.  I do remember making the best of what I had, and just feeling lucky to stay home.  Home at the time was a small upstairs apartment.  Eventually we moved to a duplex before buying our home.  However, I worked hard to make it a home.  I think I succeeded even more then than I have now in some odd way. Making memories was almost an idol.  I would work hard to create memories with my kids, whether it be a simple picnic at the park or going overboard for a birthday party. 

Jasmine and Laura

I've complicated things again.  I've stressed about things that I should leave to Christ.  Being a Christian should make life simpler... and I should be content with the simple.  Instead, I've managed to complicate life by adding too many ministries, worrying about things that make no difference in the long run.  A part of me stopped doing the things I loved, like photography or making my house a home, because I was afraid it would be an idol.  Now, I feel released to do these things once again.  Simple things, like taking my daughters to the park or reading them stories...and not just for school. I should enjoy my children.  Isn't the point of staying at home with my children so I can delight in them? 

I've been second guessing a lot of things recently; Not because I don't feel that God led me to this place, but because there have been a lot of struggles.  But as I have prayed about things, I know I am doing what God would have me do.  This may mean that, instead of going to movies, we settle for Netflix or even the library.  This may mean that we play hide and seek in the house instead of going to the nearest amusement park.  This may mean that we play board games instead of spending money on expensive ventures.  However, togetherness has become important.  My older girls may not be home as often as I would like, but I am choosing to cherish the time we do have together.

Laura today

My chaos will end one day.  I wonder if I will long for the good ole days of five daughters (plus the extra one staying here) living under one roof.  Maybe, but I will also cherish the time I have now.  It won't ever come again.