Who they will be in five years is not who they are now. College or not, adulthood will help them to grow and change. In so many ways, the changes from 17/18 to early twenties are more drastic than the ones that occur from 13 to 18.
My Laura is in that place. She knows there are plans to make for her future, but she is still working through high school and figuring out life. I don’t want to rush her. I want to savor each moment before she takes life in her hands and goes out into this world. Have I taught her enough? Is she ready? Will she overcome that challenges ahead?
Looking through the pictures of the past, I miss her already. And yet, she is a teenager, determined she has some of the answers, determined to stand on her own. She has to make decisions for herself, and I know I won’t like them all. She has to decide who she is and what she believes and the direction she wants to head. I struggled with those decisions for a long time, and even still find I am growing and changing. I surely don’t expect her to have it all figured out at seventeen.
But I wish she did, so she could avoid the self-doubts and mistakes and regrets that I made. But soon, a matter of months, I will have to release her.
I already try to release her to God daily. I see her struggles and even her resentment, and I want to fix all the boo-boos in her heart and mind and make everything better. I can’t. And the truth is, God might not either. Some journeys are long and winding and, while God does the miraculous often, sometimes life is just hard and unfair and broken. We live in a broken world, a world cursed since the fall. Have I prepared her for the broken? Hasn’t she already dealt with enough of the broken?
Hasn’t the broken already hurt her heart, banished so much of her hope, and stolen so much of that pure, simple trust she once had? I want to fix that also. I keep trying to find the correct words. I keep praying that God will move in some unforeseen way that will give her peace and passion and resolve once again, restoring that childlike faith that was stripped away with watching the pain of a loved one, feeling the helplessness that came these last few years as the world kept changing and getting harder.
Even more, a loneliness occurred as life changed and people came and went. I want to tell her that life is like that, friends come and go. Some are for a short time, some for a season of life. Only a few are forever. But how do I explain that sometimes it isn’t just friends that move on or cause hurt, that sometimes it is the very ones you trusted with everything. A tough exterior is often a facade. Walls are built to hide hurts, and some personalities don’t wear their heart on their sleeves. They won’t share their heart easily. They will bury it and hold it all in.
Inside, though, is strength. Inside and out is beauty. Have I spoken life over her? Does she know how incredibly amazing she is? Does she know that I am so impressed by her heart. When she thinks I am not watching, I see her. I see her play makeup with her baby sister. I see her laugh over old Drake and Josh episodes with her family. I see her humor and wit making her oldest sister double over with laughter. I see her gentleness with her autistic cousin, and his absolute trust in his Laura, even when he doesn’t see her for awhile. I see her artwork, so talented and full of expression. I see her honoring her parents, doing chores without complaint. I see her intelligence, as she simply accomplishes whatever is placed before her in her education, and conquers it all successfully, again, without complaint. I see her imagination, the creativity that God placed in her.
I see her beauty. Everyone sees her beauty... except her. She wants to be pretty, but doesn’t see that she is breathtakingly stunning. I see the beauty she has always been. She was so shy as a little girl, but she always had this gentle spirit in her. It used to be called an old soul. Sometimes she was the tomboy on the skateboard, sometimes the princess in pink with her baby doll, Samantha. She could build entire worlds under the coffee table. As she grew, her creativity went to drawing and makeup. She has an ingrained need to express herself, but it is just a small glimpse into the beautiful soul inside.
She is loyal. She will stand by a friend, steadfast in her devotion. This loyalty has occasionally cost her, when others abused that trust. A few have seen her and love her for the gem she is.
I don’t know if she is ready for what is next. I have never felt my children were ready. Three have grown. So much of life can be thrown at them, and a mother’s protective instincts are to shield them. My prayers for her will not cease, however, and I have to trust God. She was His before she was mine. She has only been on loan to me, a gift, a blessing.
She graduates in five months. When I pulled her to homeschool her in the third grade, I felt so sure that there was a long time of schooling ahead. Now, the countdown has gone from years to months. Soon, it will be days. My first homeschool student, my guinee pig for new methods and curriculum, has far surpassed me in some areas. A season is ending soon. Our relationship will change. But let’s be honest, as the homeschool years passed, the role of teacher slowly morphed into coach. I provided the materials, and then stepped aside. Occasionally there would be a question, but she stopped needing me to “teach” in a traditional sense years ago.
I hope she knows that I will always be her biggest cheerleader. I will pray for her until God takes me home. I love her, unconditionally. I will always be honest with her, because I respect honesty and know she deserves truth. I will always have an open door for her. When she needs Mom, I am waiting. I will always have a special bond with her. She was my baby for seven years. I didn’t plan on more. I purposed to enjoy every moment with her, and worked to do so intentionally.
As I begin planning her graduation, I am filled with the knowledge that God has a plan for her. It is a good plan. He will see her through, even if she is uncertain at this time about what all that plan contains. That’s okay. He has her in His hands.
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