Personalities We Neglect

This week has been busy!  I have helped babysit my grandson during the day.  My evenings are being spent helping at my church's Vacation Bible School. 

We have a lot of different personalities at VBS.  Some of the kids are extroverted and exuberant.  My youngest is this way.  She has no problem dancing and singing to the music, cheering and being loud.  And then there are those that barely speak, the quiet introverts that you hope are having fun, but it's hard to tell.  From the hyped-up dancers to the quietly observing and every level in between, we have children participating. 

As a mom, I have long known that my children are very different people.  They have unique personalities and gifts and talents.  Some are extroverted and are drawn to more extroverted callings.  Others are introverted and are drawn to hobbies that are more singular.  

The problem is that this world celebrates the extroverts very publicly much of the time.  And the introverts must adapt or risk alienation.  It is only in recent years, as more research has been done into personalities, that the "strong, silent" types are not seen as anti-social. 

I was never one that was shy.  My mother says I had no fear and would talk to everyone as a child.  But the older I got, the more introverted I became.  I was content with a book.  I enjoyed writing.  I liked taking pictures.  I was (gasp) someone that liked learning.  I tried team sports, but was better at more singular pursuits, like gymnastics.  

I still am not shy.  I moved around a lot in my life and met many different types of people.  This helped me to ensure, even from a young age, that I learned to greet people.  But I was never the one with a large group of friends or pursuits that brought attention to myself.  Maybe it was because I moved so often that I learned to be okay by myself.  I was the new girl too many times.  The ability to greet people is very different from the natural personality that attracts others.  Every friend I made as a child, I lost.  I never could depend on people to be that support system.  I was never one of the kids that was anyone's "best friend since five."  I didn't make those memories. They weren't available to me. 

Maybe this is why I can homeschool without feeling that my children are "missing out."  For me, most of school was a painful social experiment gone wrong.  I never had the money or the looks or the personality to fit into that mold.  I was the outcast.  I had very rich experiences, traveling and meeting different people, and they didn't often occur at the high school football games or at a sleepover with a group of buddies.  

Would things have been different if I had a different personality?  It's something that really doesn't matter because the personality I have is the one God gave me. As a mother, I see the different personalities in my five daughters, and each one is special and valuable. 

I have daughters that are natural extroverts, that love performing and music and theater, comfortable in front of a crowd, natural leaders.  I am so proud of them because they are go-getters, working with the gifts God has given them.

A couple of my girls are a bit of a mix, fine with some extrovert tendencies, but recharging in alone time.  This is something that makes it difficult to "classify" people as one way. Not everyone is one or the other, but a bit of a mixture of multiple personality traits.  It's like a spectrum, and people will land all over the chart.

Then there are the ones with more quiet personalities.  They are more reserved, at least in public situations. Quirky, fun, generous...  they don't necessarily care for the spotlight. But...  they still want to be approved.  They still want to know they are just as valuable as their extroverted counterparts.

It is very easy to give attention, and even approval, to the extroverts.  They often are drawn to hobbies that bring attention.  It isn't so easy with those that are more self-contained, that recharge in alone time, that love their singular pursuits. 

I want to find ways to celebrate all the gifts my children  have, whether they are singing on the worship team or writing incredible poems, acting in a play or reading in the corner.  I have a couple very introverted children.  Do they know I am proud of them?  I was supportive of my youngest daughter's play performances the last few years.  I think she is an extremely talented singer, even at ten.  Does the daughter that draws beautiful pictures think that her interests are not as important because it doesn't happen on a stage?  Do the daughters that work with special needs clients know that I feel they are just as wonderful as the daughter that leads worship at her church?

I hope so.

But the truth is that it can be easy to overlook the ones that are more behind the scenes.  For example, I love taking pictures. I don't do it to be some great photographer.  I just love capturing moments, and I've often done so with a cheap camera.  At fifteen, I received a camera for Christmas, and proceeded to take thousands and thousands of pictures.  My children, family holidays, everyday moments, travels...  it didn't matter.  I spent thousands on film.  Then I was given a digital camera and could take even more photos!  I love the candid moments, the real parts of life, more than the posed. But I have never been able to afford professional equipment.  What I have has often been gifted to me.  I simply love recording my life, my children, my journey.  I don't have a watermark on my photos.  I don't charge.  I don't have anything against professional photographers, and love their work.  But my fun is in recording my journey. It may be photos of flowers I see on my walks, or photos of my handsome grandson, but I keep taking the pictures, capturing the moments.  I have been teased for taking so many pictures, but I have also been thanked.  When I am not here, these photos are the story of my life and the lives of those I love. They may be out of focus occasionally.  They may be too dark.  They may show the mess...  the messy house in the day to day, the bed-head hair of Christmas morning.  It is something that I do that has never been about what others think or getting attention.  

Every hobby doesn't have to become a career.  Every love doesn't have to bring attention.  That is not what motivates an introvert.  The process is the motivator, the experience, the journey.  It's okay if others have different motivations.  That is the beauty of different personalities.  It becomes important, as a mother, however, to recognize these differences and to celebrate each child for who God made them to be, not simply for their more outgoing, easy to praise gifts. 

Many in this world don't understand basic personality differences.  Introversion, extroversion, intuitive, empathetic, judging, sensitive...  the great variety is what  makes this world a beautiful AND NOT A BORING place.  For parents, not understanding personality differences can bring about insecurities and low self-esteem in the children that may not be ones that seek attention.  Does your reader know he is just as approved of as your athlete?  Does your artist know she is just as talented as your actor?  Does your child, no matter what their personality, know their worth?

We know, in our heads, that our children are created unique and given different giftings.  We know that it is, in fact, very important for there to be differences in what people love and pursue.  And yet, I have been guilty of not taking the time to build up.  I have not praised nearly as much as I have criticized.  I have not encouraged equally.  It shames me, because I know the feelings of being the awkward one, the one that doesn't fit, the one that would rather read.  I know the feeling of being overshadowed because my personality is different.  I know the feeling of loving something, but someone else is better, more talented, more noticed.  It leaves an empty pit in your heart, because suddenly what you love is something to be measured against someone else, and you come up lacking. 

I never want a child of mine to feel as if she is not as valued because her personality is more solitary.  Maybe she doesn't get fulfilled by being in front of a crowd, but she should never feel less than because the focus lands on the ones that are naturally wired to seek the limelight, that recharge in a group. It takes intentionality on the part of the parent to speak life to the ones that won't ask for the attention.  It doesn't mean they don't need the encouragement and validation just as much from those they love, it simply means they are uncomfortable asking because it isn't their personality!  

I know... people can't read minds.  But as a mom, I spend a lot of time with my children.  I know which ones will tell me their hearts, and which ones will subtly show me instead.  I know what each loves, and that each one is so very different from the others.  I know that I have often failed my more introverted children...  and it wasn't intentional.  It wasn't until I realized that it felt like a "competition" in my own life, one I could never win, that I realized I NEVER want to have any child of mine feel that way.  

So many of us repeat patterns in our lives without fully realizing it.  We act on our insecurities.  We often struggle with our children, because their personalities differ from ours, or perhaps because they are similar.  Those of us awkward people take a little longer to be comfortable in our own skin.  It takes us longer to understand our own strengths because, I believe, they aren't always noticed as readily or recognized as often.  And if a person doesn't study and learn about different personalities, they might know that it's okay to be different, but not live confident when others point out their flaws or compare them or constantly cast them aside for the opposite, more extroverted personalities.

 

I am certain there are families out there that don't struggle with speaking life to their children and giving them a solid foundation in which they can be themselves with confidence.    I strive to be one, even now, when three of my children are grown and have moved out.  The need for your parents to love the person you are and to validate you never goes away.  The desire to belong is deeply ingrained.  It is difficult, in this world, when you feel out of place.  Feeling out of place or less than with the ones you love the most leads to comparison, competition, rebellion,  or people-pleasing.  What is beautiful?  Learning to love who God created you to be (gifts, talents, flaws, awkwardness), and learning to intentionally give the same love, acceptance, encouragement, and praise to the precious souls that God places in your life.