Value

I was watching my youngest daughter and a couple of girls her age, wondering what could be wrong now.  It was clear the three were bickering a bit.  Then I watched my daughter get shoved.  I stepped in and took charge of the situation. 

"Why can't girls get along?" I asked myself.  Then I asked, "Why didn't my daughter stand up for herself?"

I wondered if the insecurity that has plagued me since I was a child was also a part of her, like it is in the DNA somewhere.  Does my little girl not feel she should have stood up for herself?  Did she feel her value is not great enough to stand up for herself? 

Normally a child that is not shy, my daughter has no problem talking to strangers at the store or anywhere.  She orders for herself at a restaurant.  She loves to be on stage.  And yet she will stay silent with friends when they are treating her poorly.  It seems so uncharacteristic.  But maybe it isn't.

Have I instilled in my daughter a sense of worth big enough to withstand attacks from others, even petty, childish ones?  Does she know that she is valuable and shouldn't seek the approval and attention of those that don't see her worth? 

Do I?  I was praying about this very thing.  I can't instill in my daughter, or her sisters, what I don't possess myself.  I can't, no matter how much I want to, give away what I don't have myself.  

I have spent my life not feeling like I belong.  I always sought the approval, somehow, of those that couldn't approve of me.  Maybe they also couldn't give value.  Maybe they didn't have it themselves either.  But I want my daughters to know they are valuable... To God and to me.  

First, maybe I should find value.  God believes I am valuable.  I haven't believed that often enough to allow it to impact my life.  If it can't impact my life, will my daughters believe me when I tell them that God values them? 

I believed my summer was about relaxing and enjoying some reading.  Instead, I believe God has a different path.  Oh, there will be reading.  There will also be discovery.  It is a time of personal searching. I have been led to personality quizzes, and discovering that others share my personality traits.  God has led me to stop dying my hair and to treat my temple (body) carefully.  Maybe He is also leading me to know deep down that I have value, that I matter.

Most of us want to matter.  We work hard to matter to others.  We want to be loved and respected, to know our lives mean a lot to some.  Some of us will even seek that feeling from someone else so desperately that we will tolerate a relationship that isn't healthy. 

Oh... But we don't have to seek God like a flawed human.  To Him, we matter.  To Him, we have value.