As a child I loved swimming in a creek not far from my Grandma's farm. I could listen to the waves and feel the sun on my face and the sand between my toes. It was heaven.
At fifteen my family moved to Virginia for a year. My first visit to Virginia Beach brought a love for the Ocean. I swam in the Atlantic. I breathed in the salty air and dreamed that one day I would live by the ocean.
Over the years, I loved going to the water. Whether an ocean, a lake, a river, or a swimming pool, I love the water. I never moved to an actual beach house, however.
I was an excellent swimmer, and was even a certified life guard at one time... Though I never worked as one. I learned how to rescue others, how to make my clothes into life preservers, how to do CPR, how to tread water for a LONG time and still preserve my strength.
I feel as if I'm in the deep end of the pool, treading water, preserving my strength, wondering if I should swim for shore or see if a rescue will come along. My strength isn't gone, but I know it is decision time.
Maybe it's a midlife crisis... Or a hormone imbalance... Or maybe I'm just getting a little older. I've had two of my daughters move out, go to college, get married. I've spent all of my adult years raising children, fighting for their health and safety (two have nearly died and one came to us from a tough situation).
One is in her last year of homeschool. She'll be leaving soon, making her own way in the world. Even if she stays home for college, she will be an adult. That's the way it should be. Kids grow up and make their own lives.
While I still have two younger ones, I have seen many of the dreams I had disappear. I had always wanted to own a home. I did, and my husband and I naively (stupidly? Ignorantly?) bought a home with a lot of hidden dangers. No inspection had been done as we had thought, and after years of one expensive problem after another, battling constant sickness, we discovered mold... Everywhere. We were done. No house is worth our health or the health of our children. The credit hit may haunt us for years, but at least we'll be alive to be haunted.
I dreamed of going to college. "One day..." I told myself for twenty years. But the rising costs of tuition and the fact that my husband and I desire to remain Debt free has probably rendered that dream nearly impossible. I want a Christian college, and they are not affordable for me, even with financial aid, at this time.
I am waiting and praying for God to lead now. I homeschool, and that has been a gift from the Lord. He has used homeschooling in my life more than He probably has in the lives of my children.
And yet, I'm still treading.
I've eliminated a ton of clutter (feels like a literal ton) over the last couple weeks. I am simplifying. I feel like this is leading somewhere... But I don't know where. I'm treading water, unsure of what comes next.
We aren't in a position to travel. I have tried to make simple plans for local hiking trips, and that hasn't gone well. The husband and the oldest teen have conflicting schedules. The only day off together is Sunday, when we are at church. I'm frustrated because I so want stories and to live life fully and intentionally... But I'm having trouble getting out of my apartment!
I know God desires for me to stay the course and be patient. Treading water can be physically exhausting, and it gets us nowhere. I want to start swimming, but maybe God wants me to wait... Until He's ready.
I will keep treading water, praying the entire time.
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