It's a question I hadn't really considered. Obviously I had a larger family than the average 1.2 children. In fact, I somehow just had the impression that, because we are a blended family, we weren't a "large" family, but a couple of slightly above average families come together. Blended families come with their own challenges, and the odds were against us. However, God used those very issues that we had to face to draw my husband and I to Him. To me, that makes those odds surmountable and the reward great.
My husband and I became Christians six years into our marriage. We were going through unbelievable circumstances and were left with nowhere left to turn but to Christ. I am one of those that can say with confidence that Christ is the reason that my husband and I are married to this day.
When my husband and I met, I had two daughters and he had one that he was raising alone. We quickly added another girl after we were married. I thought we were done, that our family was complete. Then, after 8 years of marriage, we were blessed with another daughter. Yes, folks, that is five daughters! But is five daughters unusual?
I had my last daughter seven years ago. She is a joy. She is very busy, very smart, and very dramatic. I wouldn't trade her for the world. I had a really rough pregnancy and delivery with her. It wasn't necessarily dangerous for me, but there was many differences between my pregnancy with her and my previous ones. I knew that I was getting older. I thought I would have a tubal ligation, so that I wouldn't be "surprised" years later when I was even older.
I regret that decision.
If I said that to my family or most of my friends, most would think I was nuts. After all, I have five beautiful daughters! I gave birth to four, and God has graciously allowed me to raise my step-daughter. Why would I regret making my family complete? After all, money has been tight for years in our home. We have had to make major decisions to support our family. My oldest two are type 1 diabetics, which means I carry the gene. My husband is a child of a type 1 diabetic, so he might also carry the gene. That means any children we have would have a risk of developing type one diabetes like my oldest girls. And they, if you have followed this blog for very long, have had some tough trials with their disease.
And yet, I regret the tubal ligation. With every part of me, I regret it and would undo it if I had the funds. But, I am in my forties now, and most doctors won't consider doing such a major surgery for someone that would have many risks if she got pregnant. My husband wouldn't want me to undergo another major surgery after having gall bladder surgery a few years ago that has caused health problems since. But I so regret making that truly uninformed decision. I won't live in regret. I give those things to the Lord.
After the birth of my last child and the tubal ligation, which was done the day after she was born, I first heard of families that let God decide their size. I had not watched the TLC show, 18 kids and counting. I had not read blogs by women that had made this choice. I had been a Christian for only a couple of years, and my church never preached about the fact that God could be in charge of a womb. Why would they? I doubt most churches touch on the topic at all. I didn't begin homeschooling for another couple of years. I was already taking a lot of criticism for having five children. The thought of having any other children... it just wasn't a part of my thought process. I doubt that, for most women in the United States today, even Christian women, the concept that God knows best is one they hear... especially concerning family size.
Family size is something that isn't usually left up to God. While many families like watching the Duggars on 19 Kids and Counting, they would never make the same choice. The criticism large families receive, even if they only have a few children, is unbelievable vile. I'm not talking about simply disagreeing with having many children, but sickening name calling. Large families are instantly associated with uneducated cult members because, no one educated and "normal" would have a bunch of "kids" (Unless you are Angelina Jolie, in which case it is acceptable because she is rich and famous and adopted most of them.)
And yet, there are so many large families that exist. In fact, just a generation or two ago, large families were the norm. As birth control, abortion, and women working became the norm, the birth rate in families has dropped in America to where we aren't even at replacement level any longer. The church, for a long time, stood against many of these changes. Most held on to stances of no birth control and family first until, eventually, they began to follow culture around them. A few denominations still advocate for God to be in charge of family size, but they are few. I believe, as a result of this and many other factors, the church in America has slowly been dying, not able to keep the youth because they have compromised too often in an effort to be "relevant" and not legalistic (but that is another post).
Large families do exist today. I have found them online. They have blogs and websites and Facebook pages. They exist. Homeschooling families tend to be larger, and it is wonderful to find other families that don't think the craziest thing in the world is to have to make dinner for 6+ people every evening. Large families often have to sacrifice to get by, and that doesn't make sense to those with one or two children and college funds set up. How will a child succeed if they can't go to college or they have to find a way to pay for it themselves? It is selfish to ask a child, in this day and age, to work for their college degree or help take care of younger siblings or have to share Mommy and Daddy's attention with others or to not have every newest gadget or a closet full of clothes from the mall. Large families make it work. They don't go by these current cultural norms. They understand that, if a child truly wants a college degree, they will work for it instead of spending a good chunk of their four years after high school partying and studying things that used to be considered frivolous or high school level. They understand that it teaches children responsibility and a huge host of life skills to help with younger siblings. They understand that helping doesn't mean raising. They understand that Mommy and Daddy can give attention to more than one child... even more than one child at a time. The closet full of clothes and the newest gadgets are not a high priority when compared to time together and the beauty of life. No pair of jeans was ever worth the potential that exists in a human life, and no child is worse off because they wore used clothing to greet their new sibling at the hospital.
Yesterday, Sherry Hayes of Large Family Mothering began a Facebook group for families that are large, or have a heart to be large. It is called Large Family Mothering Community. In 24 hours is is at nearly 900 members and growing! That is 900 large families that believe that large families are wonderful, that love the Lord, and that believe that children are blessings as the Bible states! For each one of us, after years of criticism and harsh remarks, it is such a breath of fresh air to have a community of others that agree!
I have prayed for a few years now about the fact that I can't have more biological children. God has given me five blessings. I love them very much. They are precious. I will enjoy them. I accept the season I am in right now, teaching and training the ones still home, enjoying time with them all when I can. I look at it as a great privilege to pray for all of them daily, to ask the Lord to touch their lives and flood them with His Holy Spirit. God knows that, if I am to be a mom to more, He will bring them or lead us to them. If not, He has blessed us greatly. I will not mourn for what I don't have, but be content with where I am now and what is in front of me.
Besides... I have one daughter that is married and one that is engaged. I've already begun praying for my grandchildren that I will one day have.
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