She had to go back into the hospital. My beautiful Tasha, dealing with complications from a simple outpatient surgery, has spent the last three weeks mostly in the hospital. She was out a few days, pretty much unable to physically do much, but out of the hospital nonetheless.
She called me me in tears the other day. The doctor wants her back in to put her on a wound vac and monitor her. In between tearful sobs, she exclaimed, "I just don't want to do this anymore."
She's twenty. She is working two jobs on her summer break from college classes. She's newly engaged. Her life shouldn't come to a stop from what was supposed to be a small outpatient procedure! It isn't fair!
I dropped my 14 year old off with a friend in our old neighborhood the other day. I drove over to our house... The one we had to move from because it was making us sick. I looked longingly at the garden plot, not tilled and planted, overgrown by weeds. I did everything I could to not cry.
Memories assaulted me everywhere I looked. My children played ball in the paved back, the clothesline hung at that spot. I must have walked the yard a million times while talking on my phone to friends and family.
Why? We fought so hard through unemployment and illness to keep our home! Why did it come about that the house has mold issues? Why was the wiring and plumbing issues, that we spent years and thousands trying to keep up with, not discovered during our home inspection? Why did the mortgage company, since bankrupt, not do the proper inspections? Instead, naive and hopeful, my husband and I bought a house, thinking we were buying our family home. Why were there no safeguards to protect us? Why are we facing financial armegeddon after years of struggling to be honorable and responsible in our finances?
It isn't fair!
It seems that the attacks in this family are overwhelming. My autistic nephew isn't able to go to his specialized school because the insurance company has ridiculous policies. My oldest daughter fights daily to be able to eat because of gastroperisis. If she gets sick, she ends up in the hospital. My husband and I are being sued for the first time ever because our finances have been so rough. Money we are owed hasn't come in, and we now owe money for things that aren't our fault.
It isn't fair!
Life isn't fair. Is my faith genuine or based on my circumstances? Is Jesus who He said He is, even when everything seems to be falling apart? Is God still a Gid that answers prayers, even when prayers go unanswered? Is it all a matter of perception and attitude?
My daughter was injured from a surgery. But... She's alive! She will heal in time. The lawyer looking into her case is representing her to see to her best interests. He isn't representing her family in a wrongful death suit. God didn't call her home. Her work is not finished here. Though this isn't fair, God will use this.
My family and I aren't homeless. We aren't living with family. We have a roof over our head. We watched the physical symptoms of mold exposure disappear almost immediately: Migraines and sinus issues. My children might not have a yard, but we live close to a park. Our apartment, while small, is safe.
Problems that surround me, I must leave in God's capable hands. It isn't easy to do at times. But, this is where I have to trust The Lord. Faith that is untested isn't true faith.
The Lord had used much of these situations to work deep inside me. The impurities in my soul definitely have surfaced. But, I spend much more time in prayer, drawing every ounce of strength from The Lord that I can. Without Him, I would have fallen completely apart. I've wanted to, many times. It's at those moments that I close my eyes and hold on to all that I know about Jesus. He's always there.
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