When God Shakes Your World

My world has been shaken.  So has the world of my husband and children.  If it's a time of testing, I feel I am failing miserably.  If it's a time of growth, I feel that I'm growing backwards if that is possible.  If I'm a threat to Satan, and he has been granted permission by God to unleash, he is taking advantage.

We say we would trust The Lord no matter what comes, but saying it and walking it out are two different matters.  

In the Bible, Job's first trial consisted of the loss of everything... His wealth, his his livelihood, and even his children.  Well... While our struggles are nowhere near Job's, it has all left me reeling.  

Will life ever be "normal" again?

I tell myself that "It's just a house!"  And, if I were honest, most of the time I despised that house!  It was always needing serious repairs.  One of us in the home always seemed to be sick.  My sinuses were a mess!  Allergies had formed in most of us. It was literally causing health issues.

But I loved having a yard.  We had great smelling lilac bushes.  My garden was such a joy to me!  My hokey clothesline brought such peace to my soul.  Yes, I'm one of those strange people that LOVES hanging clothes on the line.  

I miss my own space.  But it gets worse.

Much of our stuff still sits at that house.  A little over a week after we began moving, our transmission went out.  My car now joins the house, alone and broken.  The funds to fix it aren't there.

We are also being sued.  We owe money that we can't pay back currently and the person has lost patience.  He doesn't care about health issues from a toxic house.

We are owed money too.  That money was supposed to pay the above debt, but it hasn't been paid.  Again, fighting for this would require court action, and there is no money for that.

To top it all off, my daughter had to go to the ER yesterday.  A simple rash wouldn't go away and was getting much worse.  Turns out it's shingles.  I left the ER and went to pick up the meds to help my daughter.  But the insurance company somehow screwed up paperwork.  The ER must not have known what the pharmacy quickly figured out, the insurance had accidentally cancelled all of my children.  

My grocery budget went to purchase meds instead.

Boxes still litter my floor because the shelves haven't been moved yet.

Only some pictures have been hung.

School is supposed to be happening, but we haven't found our groove yet.  We try, but it's slow going.  Stress has left me unfocused.  I can't find things when I need them.  It's frustrating.

Yesterday at church a very sweet lady had a Word for me.  She told me that my kids are safe, and God is already dealing with this. Look up towards Him, and not around at the chaos.  

If God has shown me anything through this time, it's that when I see the world falling down around someone, I've been there.  I understand.  I can reach out.  Maybe I won't have all the answers or great wisdom, but I'll understand.  

I'll understand the fear that threatens to consume.  I'll understand the anger at the world, even at God.  When wave after wave of a tsunami seem to hit your life, you beg God to stop them before you drown.  

Make no mistake, it does feel like drowning. Just when you surface to gasp for breath, another wave hits, pushing you under and leaving you disoriented, panicked, and trashing about in desperation. 

Words like depression mix with words like bankrupt.  You see the proud off in the distance, believing they will never experience anything so difficult.  They make good money and can't see that one injury or illness or even just a couple of costly mistakes could change their worlds.  Their money and upper middle class lives have brought a comfort.    They seem to keep a distance, afraid your struggles might require something of them.  Or worse, the bad things are happening because of sin in our lives.  

I don't want to be a victim.  We were naive about many things.  We have paid a steep price for our lives from before we found Jesus.  But the Bible states none are worthy.  Are my sins greater than the Girl who accepted Christ as a child?  The Blood covers them, making us new, redeeming us, and granting us new mercies every day.

I don't know what God is going to do throughout the next few weeks.  We live day to day, trying to trust The Lord, doing our best.  His lessons are never easy.  But still I hold on, still I repent of my anger and frustration when the boil to the surface, still I love my King and Savior.