I look around this house that we made our home several years ago, and I remember the good times and the tough times. We went through so much here in this building of bricks, wood, and plaster.
When we moved here, my oldest was thirteen. I had dreamed of having "my own home" for years. To me, a family home represented the stability I never had moving around most of my life. I wanted it to be the "family center", like my Grandmother's farm had been when I was a child. I had such high expectations!
My husband and I were naive. We had never bought a house. We didn't push for the proper inspections. We had no clue what was meant by full disclosure laws. We were taken for a ride by an owner that wanted to sell quick and a mortgage company that was eager for a sale. Before the housing market crash, this was common.
Immediately, after we moved in, everything went wrong. Within three weeks of moving in, my oldest was hospitalized, diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The sewer lines backed up for the first time just months after we moved in. It was at that point that we were notified by the plumber that snaked the lines that he knew the house well. He'd been there to clear tree roots out of the lines before, though he hesitated to say how often.
Within a year the money we wanted to put into the house instead went to an attorney as we fought for custody of my husband's daughter...after some allegations came out that had us petrified for her safety. Trust me, this wasn't a petty decision. But after one lawyer dropped our case to become a judge, and the next milked us for the rest of our savings, we quit. We had never seen the inside of a courtroom, and wouldn't without paying yet more attorney fees.
In the midst of that horrible case, my husband and I became Christians. What Satan meant to destroy us led us to Christ. That changed our family and home more than anything else could have. We had a lot of growing and learning to do, but we had found Jesus. Or maybe Jesus found us.
A couple of years later, about the time our water line outside busted, I became pregnant. We fixed the water line, and prepared for a new baby. In 2007, we added a fifth girl to our family.
Plumber visits became a yearly or twice yearly occurrence due to the aging sewer lines. But replacing them is so expensive, we just couldn't afford it.
Ups and downs continued. My husband took a new job with a Christian employer that was days, Sundays off. It was wonderful... For a few months. When the economy crashed in 2008, my husband's job took a huge hit. We spent a year with cut hours and unemployment. It took every dime to keep from losing everything. Fixing up the house was put on hold.
Then came health issues. I was diagnosed with gall-bladder disease. After months of waiting for insurance, I had surgery.
My husband was able to go back to his previous job, but it was at a huge pay decrease. The employer spent years with a wage freeze. He had a job, but it barely covered basic expenses. It took a long time to improve even a little.
Our two oldest moved out around this time. We should have been more financially secure with less people in the house, but it didn't work out that way. We took a hit in our household income even as expenses seemed to rise.
Then came another custody battle. This time my step-daughter was older, more expressive, and able to talk to the judge herself. To keep her from being moved away from us, we again felt it was in her best interest to try to protect her. It took a year, but we won. She lives with us. She is safe.
We praise God for this daily, but the legal expenses piled up. Then the vehicle we had quit and needed replaced. We spent months with only a pick-up or borrowed vehicles for a family of five. We bought an older car, but still had to get a loan.
This last year has been such a struggle financially. Our utilities have nearly doubled, but our usage hasn't. Rate increases have hit us hard. We were able to get a loan modification that helped a little, but a small decrease in payment doesn't fix the major things wrong with the house.
We still owe legal fees from the custody case. The lawyer has been patient, but I wonder how long that will last.
We have one vehicle. My husband works 12 hour shifts. Money we are supposed to receive weekly for my step-daughter is rarely paid, and we can't afford more legal fees to attempt to remedy the situation. It would cost more than we might receive. So far free programs have been useless.
Recently, sewer lines busted under our house. The entire sewer line needs replaced. Luckily, the broken line runs separately from the main line because it is part of an addition. We at least only lost the use of one of our two bathrooms.
I look around this house, where I have lived and raised my children for nearly ten years, and I pray for God to guide us. Wiring is severely outdated and needs replaced. One light buzzes and blows bulbs. I'm almost afraid it is a fire hazard. The outlets, we discovered recently, aren't properly grounded. Sewer lines need replaced. The garage roof needs replaced. Windows need replaced. They are leaking air, and several have broken frames so we can't open them. These are the urgent needs, the ones that HAVE to be done soon.
The less urgent needs would be ones such as insulation, or replacing the broken back door.Our house's main walls are plaster on cinder block. There is no insulation in them. The house was built over 100 years ago. That means, when it is really cold outside, as is common for a Midwest winter, the furnace can't keep the house very warm.
We have half-finished projects everywhere that we can't afford to finish. The dream of my home being "family center" died long ago. There is too much wrong with the house to host family holidays or celebrations. Our upstairs bathroom, the only working one, doesn't even have a door. There's just a blanket hanging up to give some sort of privacy.
I am so grieved. I want to honor the Lord with my life. That includes finances. We tithe. We serve. And I see that we can't stay in this house much longer. I don't want to let my Lord down, and so I pray that He brings me peace with whatever decisions my husband and I must make.
People have asked me, "Why didn't you sue when you found out the problems the house had? Full disclosure means you should have been told. Why didn't the mortgage company do the proper inspections?"
The truth is, my husband and I had no clue what was required and what wasn't ten years ago in buying a home. We didn't have anyone helping us. We didn't think about greed or manipulation on the part of others. We also could have never foreseen the unbelievable challenges we would face.
My husband and I don't have extra debt. We don't have credit cards. We bought a car we could pay off in a couple of years instead of the standard four or five, and then only because we had no choice. We sold my husband's work truck to pay bills when we got behind.We believe in paying our debts!
Some in the Christian community are wonderfully supportive. Some aren't. To those that aren't, please don't think that your blessings from God will mean no times of testing, no struggles, no loss, no tough times, or no heartbreaking decisions. It's easy to look at others and think that they are just reaping what they sowed somehow.
Sometimes, that is true. My husband and I, not being Christians at the time, being naive, didn't exactly pray over whether to buy our home. We want to honor commitments we made, even if we made this one before we knew Christ, even if we were naive. But I feel like the decision is being taken from our hands, as the health and safety of my children must be considered. And, to be honest, if we can't insulate properly, the high utilities from recent rate increases have made the house unaffordable.
I could tell you about the water lines we fixed...twice; the roof we replaced after an ice storm (insurance covered most of that); the hot water heater that nearly exploded and was replaced; the sub-pump we replaced in the basement after a flood destroyed nearly everything down there, the mold discovered in the walls, the damp basement, the hours of remodeling, etc. But that only makes it all more overwhelming.
Many times financial struggles are blamed on misuse of finances. But for us, having not relied on credit cards, having paid off every loan we've ever had from vehicle loans to student loans, this is hurtful. We don't blow money. We don't take vacations. We rarely eat out. I hand-make most of our foods instead of buying processed stuff. I grow a garden. My husband recycles copper and aluminum. I even make homemade laundry soap.
We live frugally, and mostly off of cash. We live off a tight budget. We don't smoke or drink or any of those other expensive habits. Our clothes are usually only new when we receive them as gifts. The mall is not a place we hang out.
And, speaking of clothes, they are nearly all line-dried year round. I have a clothes line outside in the summer, and drying racks inside during the winter. This not only saves on utilities, but the clothes don't fall apart. They don't fade or wear out because they aren't in a dryer. We live as simply and frugally as we can.
I look around this place and remember bringing my youngest home from the hospital. I remember the birthday parties. I remember the endless story-times on the couch. I remember the proms, the movie-nights, the first dates, the first days of school. I remember hosting my Grandma's 81st birthday party in my dining room. I remember the all the 4th of July celebrations here, just a couple blocks from where the town lights off fireworks.
I know that a home is made up of the family inside, not the materials that built it. I don't want to let Jesus down, and I don't want to let my children down. I feel that, somehow, my husband and I have done both. I keep praying, asking for guidance, asking for a miracle. Behind again in bills, I don't know if God has a miracle in store, or if we have another struggle to go through.
I only know that, through the tough times, I feel His presence. My husband and I have sought to honor Him in every area of or lives. We have failed at times, and yet His grace and mercy and forgiveness are there.
I've placed all of this in His hands.
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