I tell myself that she is young, and that she'll mature. I tell myself that she loves me, despite her actions that seem to believe differently. I was a prodigal once... and I stayed that way for a VERY long time. I don't want that for her.
She is "in love". The hurt from her "love" has been immense. It seems that everyone in the family and most of her friends have been alienated from her life. We aren't allowed in, even on the rare occasions when she is around. She turns to us when he hurts her. He cheats, she turns to us... temporarily. Then he swears is was a mistake or he'll never do it again and she returns to the same old patterns.
She's changed. Instead of the happy, quirky, smart girl that she always was, she is now different. She keeps herself and keeps secrets. She "lives her own life", and most of those that have loved her for her entire life are not allowed in.
She's an adult, so we are stuck on our knees, crying out to God to touch her, protect her. We intercede for her salvation, for she doesn't really show that the Lord is in her life any longer.
I confronted her. I had kept quiet for so long, and the things just seemed to get worse and worse. But, she only got angry.
I cry nearly every night. I plead on my knees to the Lord for my daughter daily. I have to, because I have to believe that a mother's cries are powerful. I have to believe that He has the power to change it all. I tell myself that, in His timing, He will deliver. I shove down the doubts that my headstrong girl will just be stubborn to prove whatever she feels she must prove.
I pray that as she finds her way in this world, as she navigates college, as she goes about her daily life, that the teachings she received as a child will reverberate and never leave her. I pray that she feels the prayers of her mother and other family and friends as we cry out. I pray that God holds her in the palm of His hand. I pray that what is not of God will not stand in her life.
I also pray for him. I pray that, no matter what pain he has caused, that he finds true repentance in Christ Jesus, not just the shallow version we have seen. I pray that he is changed from the inside out, sold out for Christ.
I never thought it would happen to me. Then, I thought it would be fixed. Then, I thought I could fix it. The truth is that I can't fix it. I've had to release it to the Lord. That was the most difficult thing I've ever done. We say we release things to the Lord, but then we take it back, pick the burden back up. When it is our child, and we are natural born "fixers", it is so hard to sit idly by, praying, but knowing that any further action will only make things worse.
There is no love like that of a mother for her child. I know I made many mistakes along the way. I have acknowledged that, repented, and apologized over and over. Oh, how I would change whatever I could that might make things different today. It's out of my hands now.
I wait on You, Jesus. You know the depth of the pain, the deep cry in my heart. You alone have counted the tears. You saw the despair when I couldn't get out of bed from the sheer weight of it. You helped me to get back on my feet, and keep me on my feet despite the fact that it is a daily struggle. You know the truth about the situation. Please Lord, hear me. Hear me as I beg, once again, for my child. In Jesus name...
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