This won't be a large Christmas for us, and a part of me doesn't care. This year has not been a Christmas season that has thrilled me. I usually get totally into the decorations, the baking. This season, I just can't seem to do so. Everything about Christmas seems wrong and off somehow.
For my children, I am putting on a happy face and making memories. When I look back, I don't want to see the hard time I was going through. Those come and go. Instead, I want to see the smiles of my children, the warmth in my grandmother's eyes, the twinkling lights on the tree. I want to remember my beautiful daughter, engaged to be married, home from college and singing "How Many Kings" with my sister as a special for church.
I want to remember Megan, playing bells in front of the congregation, smiling and trying to wave at me with a bell in each hand. I want to remember the looks on the faces of my girls as we enjoy a feast of food for two days in a row.
I want to remember the tears I cried yesterday as I watched The Nativity Story for the umpteenth time. I want to remember the tug at my heart as I watched the movie The Heart of Christmas, which I had never seen before, but I cried through nearly the entire movie... and set my DVR to tape it the next time it is on.
I have a couple very good friends that have tried to encourage me through this bout of discouragement. Both have told me that putting the focus on Christ and not on what they can't afford to do has given them the most relaxing Christmases ever. I have tried to focus on Christ for Christmas for several years now, but there has still been quite a few pressures that I haven't been able to escape.
Is there a such thing as a simple Christmas anymore, focusing on Christ, without all the trappings that surround the entire holiday? I haven't found it. I feel pressured into playing along with Santa, when I feel convicted about the lie. Having only one child that still is at the age to believe hasn't brought peace. I guess I feel that if I lie to my child about Santa, will she believe all that I've told her about Christ? I mean, Santa is at the mall. Santa is on TV. Santa is something she can feel and touch. Christ doesn't seem nearly as tangible, and yet He is Truth. I don't like the lie. I don't like the sugar coating of the lie, and I wish my daughter would get to the age where I don't have to play along.
When my older children were young, before my days as a Christian, I went all out with the Santa myth. There was the yearly trip with my young girls to sit on Santa's lap. I spent a lot of money on those Santa pictures with my children. I bought wrapping paper that I only used for the Santa gifts. I even had someone else make out the gift tags so that Santa's handwriting didn't match mine. There is a website online where a parent can make a personalized video from Santa to the child. We always left out cookies and milk (and cheese... one daughter was obsessed with the Christmas Kraft commercial) on Christmas Eve. The lie is very easy to make real and fun for the kids.
I feel pressured to give my children a "nice, memorable" Christmas. While the Christmas season should be about traditions and time together, I still feel that pressure to buy them wonderful gifts. We can't afford it, that spending and spending. If the average American family is spending $750 on Christmas, we are nowhere near average... and I don't think we ever have been. Since our family size has been above average for quite some time, obviously our children haven't received what many of their peers have received.
While God works in my heart about all of these issues, I ponder the reality that Christ wasn't born in December. While I don't see any more of a problem of celebrating Christmas as I do Thanksgiving or Labor Day, I am looking forward to learning about Christ's Birth and the Feast of Tabernacles. I'm reconsidering the way our family has celebrated Christmas, and wondering what changes Christ is asking of me.
So, as we celebrate Christmas the next couple of days with family and friends, I will cherish the memories we make. I will lessen the emphasis on things that have no meaning, and instead focus on Jesus. This may not be His true birthday, but He is alive in me. He is the light I want others to see. I want others to see Jesus even when we have no vehicle, even when we have little money, even when my children are only getting one present a piece, even when my older children are too busy to spend much time with me, even when my heart is shattered with the desire to have them close and the reality that they are "too busy" right now to stay long. I will do as Christ has led me, and cherish the moments as God-given. As God has shown me recently, through tragic circumstances, life can be very fleeting. Enjoy your children. Hug them close. Make those memories as God leads.
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