The Comparison Trap

It starts out innocently enough.  You are surfing the web through various homeschool materials or forums.  You come across a blog post or a curriculum review that just hits a cord with you.  On it you see pictures of happy, smiling children having what seems to be the most fun ever.  The mother talks about how amazingly well her children are learning, how perfect everything in life is because of this one curriculum.  You read through the reviews, and sure enough, many other parents are giving similar reviews.  You gasp a little (or a lot) with sticker shock at the price, but those smiling faces and encouraging words keep rolling through your brain.

You are already frustrated with what you are using.  For whatever reason, it isn't working.  It's too hands-on, or not hands-on enough;  it doesn't require enough reading, or it has too much reading; it is too advanced, or it isn't challenging enough; it takes too much planning, or it is too structured.

Maybe you see those happy, smiling faces and think that their family must truly have it all together.  Their children are reading advanced material and you're struggling to get yours to read at all.  Their children are two grades ahead in math, and yours are a grade behind and hating every problem.  Their children do all their chores and give half of their allowance to support needy children in other countries.  Your child is running around the house, toys all over the living room, karate chopping pretend enemies with her tiara on.

The family you see is all dressed like they just posed for the cover of a conservative Christian magazine.  Your kids are still in their pajamas... which don't match... and it is the afternoon.  Your sixth grader has decided that it is the hit of fashion to wear her winter stocking cap all the time indoors or out.  Your four year old is happier in old costumes than in anything warm.

Then there are the differing viewpoints to clutter the thought processes.  Is being an independent learner what you desire?  What happens with your independent child when you want to have family devotion times, but your independent kid doesn't know how to work with others as a team, sharing ideas?  

In that blog or review, you read about how it was so easy to just run to the store and pick up this project or that book.  In your house, you are praying God will help provide for the light bill that is late, the library is dinky and never has any of the selections you need, and Christmas will be small once again.

In the reviews you read how happy everyone is with their curriculum and have used it for years and years and will never switch.  Your children all have different learning styles, and you swear they have a conspiracy against you cause how they learn seems to change yearly.  What worked one year completely doesn't work the next. And while you wish there was money to purchase that expensive curriculum every year, it just isn't there this year.  You have to choose between the quality math program or the literature rich history.

Is this you?  Have you been there?  I know I have.  I have looked at all the wonderful things others are using, read the reviews of other curriculum, seen the methods that have worked for others, and spent way too much  money on things based on the recommendations of others.  Sometimes, the things have worked wonderfully... for awhile.  Then all of a sudden those same things didn't work any longer. 

I have tried to implement things in my home that have worked in other homes.  Sometimes these suggestions have worked, but many times they failed miserably.

It was an eye opening experience to spend some time in prayer and fasting a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't realize how much I had compared our homeschooling choices and experiences to others.  God led me to homeschooling, but I wasn't letting Him lead.  I was looking at what others were doing, and trying to make what they were doing work in my home... but was failing miserably.  My children aren't their children.  My home is not their home.  My husband isn't home in the evening most of the time cause that is when he works.  Our schedule is different than others because of this.

I have learned, slowly, that comparing my homeschooling and my home to others is counter-productive.  Yes, there are some good ideas out there that may help your situation or children, or just help add some fun.  But, when you read all the wonderful things others are doing, understand that that picture is a glimpse (sometimes a modeled, fake glimpse) of their lives.  Those smiling children holding the amazing project in that picture don't show the hours they may have spent in frustration because it wasn't turning out the way they wanted.  That book the child is holding doesn't show the long work of teaching that child to read.  That glimpse will also not show the other positives, such as the read aloud time on the couch or the hours of conversations about the topic being studied.

Some lessons I have learned the hard way.  I had read about comparison issues, and blindly thought that it wasn't me.  Some lessons I can read and read about, but have to go through to truly understand.  While others that have dealt with similar issues want to help, the comparison trap is tricky.  You don't see how often you do it, even if only in your mind, until your home doesn't seem to measure up to this false image in your head of how you think things should be.

What is the cure?  Prayer... fasting if need be.  Listen to God.  What does He want for your homeschool?  Then, be careful what you read.  When you do read something that gives you that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, stop reading and pray.  Are you doing what God said?  Were you unhappy with your homeschool before you read that article about the new, amazing curriculum or some revived method?

It's okay to look for alternatives if what you are doing isn't working.  That is different than beating yourself up because what you are doing has lost its flash.  Of course, God will lead us down different paths at times.  Be sure to take time to pray and know the difference between God's leading and the comparison trap.

If getting sucked into the comparison trap happens easily, then here's another thing to think about.  What are you reading?  Maybe it is time to limit reading other people's blogs.  Maybe it is time to limit surfing the web and browsing all the curriculum samples.  Maybe it is time to stop reading the reviews for every new thing every season and just stick with what works for you for awhile.  If you do feel led to change things up, maybe it should be on a trial basis first.  Most curriculum will send samples for you to try.

The comparison trap isn't about curriculum only though.  I've read about certain methods, and thought it was perfect... until I tried it and was totally let down.  If it worked for one child, it wouldn't work for another.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to do "school at home".  Then, when that didn't work, I put a lot of pressure on myself to not do "school at home".   I spent a lot of time and money trying this and that.  While it was an education for me, it was expensive at times and a bit frustrating for my poor guinea pig, Laura.  What I realized is that, even with materials that seem "schoolish"; when used at home, in a relaxed environment with some one-on-one with mom, then the pressures of "school at home" nearly disappear.

Teaching our children at home is an adventure.  Sometimes the adventure may have some tough spots.  The grass isn't always greener.  Find what works for you, and don't look at every other thing out there.